A Pyrrhic victory that splintered into fragments of Oblivion

I'm Alone Today

2005-03-16T08:09:00.000+08:00

I'm Alone Today

I woke up feeling slightly piqued that we won't be going out today and gave a few hard kicks on my bedrest. It has been a long time since I last threw a tantrum. I'm starting to behave like a child now and I love it and hate it at the same time.

Our date was postponed twice, due to unforeseen circumstances.

Well, I'll be optimistic. I'll be seeing him for a while tomorrow and we'll hang out on Friday and Saturday! Hopefully, nothing else crops up.

Not hearing from him for a few hours would leave me vexed and upset. Is this what I want?

This is the most pathetic entry I've ever churned out. It's time to get a grip of myself.

Stop whining. Having him in your life is one of your most priceless gifts already.

Is It Us Or Just Me?

2005-03-13T14:09:00.000+08:00

Is It Us Or Just Me?

"Being in love and being loved requires vulnerability- the ability to share the sad, sorry aspects of your psyche, not just the joyousness and triumphs in your life."

I feel really terrible these days. I really need a listening ear, someone to be there to help me retain my sanity. It's strange how I'm not able to find solace in anyone or anything anymore. I really feel like crying now. I'm trying to hold back my tears because my sisters are around. I'm not used to having people witness me crying. Oh well, who is?

We had a long online conversation earlier on and we were discussing how and why he felt like his life has reached a standstill. I told him that it is just a turning point in his life whereby he needs to define his identity and suggested he probably lacks a keen sense of direction and purpose. Somehow, we shifted the focus to us. I began to tell him how I wish for him to be more affectionate like before and that he seems to be investing less and less in our relationship.

I was kissing you but you didn't really try to kiss me back. Are you still hurt by that argument we had the other day?

"Yeah. But I try not to think about it."

I'm sorry. Maybe that has fractured our relationship somehow. It's like a mirror that has suffered a crack which can't be mended, huh?

"Please... don't speak like this."

When we first started dating, I was worried that your feelings for me may be more profound than my feelings for you.

"And now, you think it's the other way round?"

Well...

"I think I've had enough for this morning. I need a break."

I love you.

"Don't say things when you don't mean them."

My heart was paralysed for a minute. Before I could respond, he went offline. Boy, I was amazed that I did not cry immediately.

A few minutes later, he sent me a message.

"You don't know what you just did. You took a knife, stabbed it through my heart and twisted it a few times."

I'm starting to doubt myself now, whether I'm mature enough to handle the delicacy of human feelings, his feelings, my feelings. Have you ever hurt yourself in the process of hurting someone? For me, I'm willing to be vulnerable. This is the price I have to pay when I enter a relationship; I have to be prepared to be wounded and perhaps, confront and overcome the roadblock in my heart should the relationship fail.

I was reminiscing the times when we first started dating in early December. Once, when he drove to my place in the wee hours of morning after hanging out with his friends. 4 messages and 6 missed phone calls came in while I was peacefully snugging under my blanket. He waited for half an hour before driving off. Two days later, on the day when I flew off to Bangkok, he arrived at the airport much earlier than me and started scribbling on a piece of tissue paper. That was his love letter for me before my departure. When I was sitting down all by myself, he walked up behind me. Like strangers, our backs were facing each other while we pretended to be busy conversing over the phone. Then, in a flash, he passed me the letter and a packet of chocolates. Guess what I found between the layers of the tissue paper? A golden heart folded from a chocolate wrapper! How sweet!

Tell me, how can I find someobody else as endearing as him?

Oh well, passionate beginnings are always exciting but they may get so hot that they inevitably lose their fervour and become tepid. Undoubtedly, the amore between us is petering out. I had foreseen this. But now, these questions began popping into my mind. Have I made the right choice by committing to this relationship a little too quickly? Am I too emotionally attached to him? Too dependent on him for my happiness? Am I not giving him enough personal space?

It's my first relationship and so, the first time I've ever devoted so much of my time and energy to a guy. Can I just use this as an excuse to justify my idealised notion of a perfect romance? Am I expecting too much of him? Are our current problems simply a dip or part of an overall cycle that most or all couples will certainly go through?

I need answers. I need affirmation. I need assurance that everything is still fine. One thing I think I am certain of...

I love him.

Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me

2005-02-15T21:28:00.000+08:00

Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me - Elton John/George Michael/Clay Aiken

I can't light no more of your darkness
All my pictures seem to fade to black and white
I'm growing tired and time stands still before me
Frozen here, on the ladder of my life.

It's much too late to save myself from falling
I took a chance and changed your way of life
But you misread my meaning when I met you
Closed the door and left me blinded by the light.

Don't let the sun go down on me
Although I search myself,
It's always someone else I see.
I'd just allow a fragment of your life to wander free
Because losing everything is like the sun going down on me.

I can't find the right romantic line
But see me once and see the way I feel
Don't discard me just because you think I mean you harm
But these cuts I have, they need love to help them heal.

Don't let the sun go down on me
Although I search myself,
It's always someone else I see.
I'd just allow a fragment of your life to wander free
Because losing everything is like the sun going down on me.

The Road Not Taken

2005-01-17T21:36:00.000+08:00

The Road Not Taken -Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

======================================

I don't know why but this poem really strikes a chord with me. It somehow manages to tug at my heartstrings so readily. Well, I guess many of us face this common struggle in our lives, that no matter how hard we try, we're not able to do two or more mutually exclusive things simultaneously. Likewise, we are more or less engulfed with a couple of options but compelled by circumstances to choose only one. It kind of reminds me of the time when I was contemplating whether to take up Literature or Economics in college. I love Literature for the way it connects with me emotionally, but taking up the latter may be more practical because this subject would be very useful in the future. Oh well, I chose Literature in the end. Just can't bear to part with the subject.

So I suppose it's all about being committed to the choices we make, following them and sticking through them faithfully, making the best out of what we have chosen for ourselves, regardless of whether it had been right or wrong. But come to think of it, is there any distinct division between what's right and what's wrong?

A particular choice may turn out to be a grave mistake, depending on how we look at it. But if we see it in a more positive light, it's just another opportunity to put ourselves to the test.

We win some, we lose some.

It's sad that we can't always have the best of both worlds, huh? Which choice comes without any responsibility or consequence to bear upon? For me, I've made so many choices, big, small, important, trivial. It would be a lie if I were to say that I've not expressed regret over some of my choices. I guess it's probably impossible to keep changing 'roads' and expect to reach the final destination of each. Perhaps trying to choose everything in life will just probably be as barren and meaningless as choosing the wrong thing. What's more important is the journey, the experience, that we should embrace and savour. In the end, we still gain, however large a price we may have to pay at the same time.

"Today's procrastinations are tomorrow's regrets."

In a way, temporary choices can somehow become permanent ones. Oh well. By the way, this will be the last entry for my blog! A new diary's coming up soon! =)

Out of Here

2004-12-08T10:30:00.000+08:00

Out of Here

Hey peeps, I will be out of Singapore from 9th to 13th December. Will be in Bangkok (WHEEEE!) So if you've got a message for me, just leave it on my tagboard, yeah? Happy holidays!

I'll be missing you. Take care.

Shocked

2004-12-03T21:27:00.000+08:00

Shocked

I'm sorry I shocked you today. I shocked myself too. I just hope that the shock has been pleasant.

Just A Subset

2004-11-30T10:28:00.000+08:00

Just A Subset

"The best way out is always through." -Robert Frost

Introverted (I) 52.78% Extroverted (E) 47.22%
Intuitive (N) 60% Sensing (S) 40%
Feeling (F) 58.33% Thinking (T) 41.67%
Perceiving (P) 60% Judging (J) 40%

Your type is: INFP

INFP - "Questor" or "Idealist". High capacity for caring. Emotional face to the world. High sense of honor derived from internal values. 4.4% of total population.

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

======================================

This is the interpretation of my test profile. Think I'm just going to haul out certain paragraphs from the very long description.

"As an INFP, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your personal value system. Your secondary mode is external, where you take things in primarily via your intuition."

"INFPs, more than other Intuitive and Feeling types, are focused on making the world a better place for people. Their primary goal is to find out their meaning in life. What is their purpose? How can they best serve humanity in their lives? They are idealists and perfectionists, who drive themselves hard in their quest for achieving the goals they have identified for themselves."

"Generally thoughtful and considerate, INFPs are good listeners and put people at ease. Although they may be reserved in expressing emotion, they have a very deep well of caring and are interested in understanding people. This sincerity is sensed by others, making the INFP a valued friend and confidante. An INFP can be quite warm with people he or she knows well."

"In conflict situations, INFPs place little importance on who is right and who is wrong. They focus on the way that the conflict makes them feel, and indeed don't really care whether or not they're right. They don't want to feel badly. This trait sometimes makes them appear irrational and illogical in conflict situations (well, yeah, that's kind of true, I admit). On the other hand, INFPs make very good mediators, and are typically good at solving other people's conflicts, because they intuitively understand people's perspectives and feelings, and genuinely want to help them."

INFPs are flexible and laid-back, until one of their values is violated. In the face of their value system being threatened, INFPs can become aggressive defenders, fighting passionately for their cause. When an INFP has adopted a project or job which they're interested in, it usually becomes a cause for them. Although they are not detail-oriented individuals, they will cover every possible detail with determination and vigour when working for their cause (TalentQuest, huh? Haha!).

"INFPs do not like to deal with hard facts and logic. Their focus on their feelings and the Human Condition makes it difficult for them to deal with impersonal judgment. Under stress, it's commmon for INFPs to misuse hard logic in the heat of anger, throwing out fact after fact in an emotional outburst (Guess I did react pretty violently to that TalentQuest episode, didn't I?)"

"INFPs are usually hard on themselves, and don't give themselves enough tribute. They need to work on balancing their high ideals with the normal requirements of everyday living. Without resolving this conflict, they will never be happy with themselves, and they may become confused and paralyzed about what to do with their lives."

"INFPs are usually talented writers. They may be awkward and uncomfortable with expressing themselves verbally, but have a wonderful ability to define and express what they're feeling on paper. INFPs also appear frequently in social service professions, such as counselling or teaching. They are at their best in situations where they're working towards the public good, and in which they don't need to use hard logic."

"INFPs are natural artists. They will find great satisfaction if they encourage and develop their artistic abilities. Simply the act of "creating" will be a fulfilling source of renewal and refreshment to the INFP. INFPs should allow themselves some artistic outlet, because it will add enrichment and positive energy to their lives."

Source: http://www.personalitypage.com

======================================

Cool, huh? It's so bloody accurate! Yeah, I'm planning to pursue either a major or minor in Psychology next time; Chemistry or Chemical Engineering would be the other option. Oh well, I hope I'm nearer to this goal as time passes. This goal's a subset of my big and vast dream lattice! =)

Besieged

2004-11-28T17:34:00.000+08:00

Besieged

It's all happening too quickly, totally beyond what I'd expected. Frankly, I really did not foresee any of this. It is a pleasant surprise, but now, I have to make a decision, whether to take one bold step forward or stay where I am. It's not like I don't have the free will to make my own decisions but I have to seriously contemplate how my decision will affect not just you and me, but others as well.

It's brilliant, the way you described human feelings using photoelectric effect. You told me it isn't the intensity of light but the frequency of light that chiefly determines the photoelectric effect. After a certain threshold frequency has been established, the rate of emission of light is altered and there comes intensity, right? Then again, how can you compare human feelings, feelings that are so raw, erratic and unpredictable, with physics concepts?

How sure are you of your choice of journey? I suppose you just want someone to love again, you just need to love again, you just need someone to seal the cold void in your heart, don't you?

Whatever the case may be, I really appreciate your honesty. It's something that I've been scouting for, something so prized and rare I barely find them in anyone now. Just give me some time, will you? Thanks, and sorry too.

Satisfaction Granted

2004-11-27T18:35:00.000+08:00

Satisfaction Granted

Those who had witnessed the incredulous expression on Mrs Kong's face should know what I'm going to speak about- the best thing that happened on prom night. Okay, the TalentQuest finalists performed and really took our breath away, especially Keri-ann; with her very wide vocal range, she sang "Accidentally in Love" by Counting Crows, and Gemma, who sang Jamilia's "Superstar". Oh yes, Gemma! She was a true stunner! Her charisma exuded so naturally that night! Feisty vocals, groovy moves! All the way, girl!

Well, I guess Mrs Kong couldn't believe what she was seeing. She was so staggered, so dumbfounded, so speechless, it was so clearly written all throughout her face! She seemed to be pondering to herself, "Oh my! I didn't know they're so good!" Who knows, she might be questioning her own actions, whether she had done the right thing by cancelling the finale. Right Keshia? =)

WHEE! I've never been so happy before! It's incredible!

Revenge! Revenge! Revenge!

In the end, we still won the battle, didn't we? Believe me, I'm not exaggerating, I'm not making a mountain out of a molehill! Only Keshia and the rest will fully understand how I feel, how we feel, about all this.

Pardon me, I simply cannot restrain myself.

A Bubble No More

2004-11-23T22:17:00.000+08:00

A Bubble No More

"I wear my heart out on my sleeve and forget the rest of me."

My emotions have passed their climax. I can feel them receding like ebb tides, every surge powerfully sapped and exhausted after it has crashed against the shore. They had been wild, so manic and demented, just quelled within my very own bubble that would rupture, sooner or later.

A delusion I still see, a piece of my heart on your face. If there is a sheer crush, will true love kill me from my core?

What can I say? It seems to me that you would always be everybody's boy.

I am ready to forget. I am ready to divorce myself from this fate. Never would I let it come back to me. Never again.

Our Skeletons, Our Cupboards

2004-11-21T19:17:00.000+08:00

Our Skeletons, Our Cupboards

I really admire people who are not afraid of sharing so deeply about themselves with others. Is it just their plain honesty and frankness? Do they stand to gain or lose anything after they have undraped a portion of themselves? Sometimes, I wonder why certain people hide so much about themselves. Many of us claim the people around us can't understand how we feel and what we're going through during certain stages of our lives, but have we ever realised that we're probably the ones who have made ourselves so remote to others?

I remember playing this Truth-or-Dare game with Sherlynn and the rest during our quarantine period after the Physics practical. It was pretty evident to everyone, who were the more candid and forthright ones and who were those that chose to hide the core and only reveal the superficial. So which category did I fall in? I was right in the middle, I suppose. I tried not to appear reserved and evasive and at the same time, was cautious enough to not spill all of the beans. Come to think of it, that was one instant I was compelled to confront my innermost secrets, secrets that I'd wanted to preserve for myself solely.

Perhaps it seems that letting slip our secrets is akin to being exposed to the harsh scrutiny of the public eye.

Are we frightened of being judged and stereotyped or are we simply shielding a delicately private part of ourselves, a part that only we ourselves have the rightful access to? Then again, after we have shared, would we have felt better? Or would we even feel more insecure, more unguarded, the weight of our burdens further accentuated?

What does one hide? The painful? The embarrassing? The unforgotten?

It depends on how long one takes to come to terms with his or her secrets. Maybe it's only when we have finished peeling off layers and layers of our disturbed history to brazen out the awful truth at the center, when we have finally reached a comfortable level of accepting who we are, we can then open up to others with greater ease. I mean, who can remain an island for good? Yes, solitude's so light, so simple, so undemanding but we tend to plunge into the danger of indulging in it too heavily. We're social beings after all, we still need to borrow emotional solace and reassurnace from others to complete the other half of the therapy. In other words, we need a balance of both.

Oh well, we all have skeletons in our cupboards. It is totally impossible to keep them locked up forever, isn't it?

Random Thoughts: Twisted, Warped, Distorted

2004-10-24T07:32:00.000+08:00

Random Thoughts: Twisted, Warped, Distorted

"You are a distant whimsy, a fruit I will taste no more."

"Does greed come hand-in-hand with selfishness? Does empathy come hand-in-hand with selflessness?"

"Some people tell me that my entries are too morbid and dramatic, that I come across as a sullen person always thinking that a black cloud is hanging above her head. Oh well, that's me. Day-logging is fine, but I don't exactly fancy narrating the events of a day and end up stultifying myself."

"Is it worse to do something you regret or not to do something and regret?"

"I recall her saying 'You've metamorphosed throughout the months.' Is it true? On the inside, I suppose I'm still the same. Maybe more foolish and vulnerable, but nevertheless, still the same."

"Kudos to you for your spectacular multi-layered performances! It's remarkable, the way you carry your intelligence so lightly but shade it so darkly. As your audience, we can't help but feel impressed, stunned, disenchanted, revolted..."

"Blame it on my killer instincts. I'm trying my best to keep a stiff upper lip now."

"Honestly, I do not mind being eclipsed by anyone although I may be a little embittered about it at first. There is no need for apologies. All of us are taking different routes, we have our own goals and ambitions to pursue anyway."

"Life wouldn't be wholesome and fulfilling if we're not able to do the things we want, but just do things for the sake of doing them. Once we start running, it's difficult to slow down, or it's us who refuse to slow down because we think we may never catch up with the rest again."

"Disclaimer: The "you"s I had mentioned on my entries do not always refer to the same person. So I hope this will save anyone from any form of misinterpretation."

"All the best to those taking their 'O's in one week's time! Bear with the torture and we will soon board the flight to Freedom!"

"Save me. Save me. Save me. Save me."

Sweet Sorrow

2004-10-15T17:04:00.000+08:00

Sweet Sorrow

Right now, I can clearly see the familiar glint of tenderness in your eyes and feel the soft passion encircling it. Why is it so quickly extinguished by a sharp pinch of lukewarm aloofness that isn't supposed to be there?

I don't know if I'm now able to boldly declare to myself that I'm finally able to start detaching myself from you. Should I congratulate myself? I don't wish for it to transform into an unhealthy obsession that will eventually dictate my thoughts and actions. Well, it's kind of odd, how very much relieved I am right now and yet, how this sense of liberation is seemingly diluted by a smidgen of sadness which appears to evolve from nowhere. Feelings always overlap each other, don't they?

How do you pull back a balloon that has escaped from your grip? Chase after it? You can't do anything except to watch it rise and drift further and further away from your sight, can you?

Because of you, I learnt to love myself for my flaws, I learnt to be brave enough to unchain the foolhardy simpleton within me, I learnt to convince myself of the poignantly endearing aspect of being powerless and irrational, something part of human nature, so pure and untainted.

Even if I had finished piecing all the jigsaw fragments together, the picture derived would still be as obscure as ever.

I'm a human being after all.

Do I really have to make a total stranger out of you?

Botched Detachment

2004-09-30T19:00:00.000+08:00

Botched Detachment

"Dangerous is the man who has rationalised his emotions." -David Borenstein

I'm falling deeper and deeper into the trap of flouting the logic that I thought I strongly believe in.

Just a few days ago, it suddenly dawned upon my senses that in a few weeks' time, I may never get to see you again. Is it too late to realise that? Even if it had crossed my mind much sooner, would it have made any difference at all? Ever since this thought begins plaguing my mind, I can see my latent fears unfolding, I can see them gradually unveiling themselves from behind the drapes. Why am I even trying to seek and unearth the logic behind such irrationality? If there is no logic to begin with, am I simply deceiving myself, compelling myself to acknowledge something that bears no existence in the very first place?

Perhaps it is just a figment of my imagination, a downright chimera that holds anything but truth.

I tried denying it, I really did, I was too busy being afraid of the pain of rejection. I was afraid of the vulnerability that it would entail. The more I tried to bury these thoughts into the darkest caves within the depths of my mind, the more naked and transparent everything becomes, as though I'm inspecting myself through the biggest magnifying lens, scrutinising all the hazy and impalpable traces previously invisible to my awareness.

But throughout these months, I find myself succumbing to these emotions, all the way, over my head, with a strangely complex frenzy and hysteria that I myself can never fathom. Right now, I'm caressing them, feeling their texture and moisture, letting them steadily diffuse all throughout my being. While it may seem I'm desperately holding onto this, I believe it is the only way to fully detach myself from you. I don't want to waste any moment, I don't want any regrets. I don't want to start a new chapter of my life without closing the older one. I need a conclusion for myself. I need a conclusion from you.

The Real Empathiser

2004-09-24T22:18:00.000+08:00

The Real Empathiser

What makes real communication, I wonder? Without realising it, we tend to get into the habit of dominating the conversation. Pure monologue, I would call it- venting of feelings, story-telling, instructing, indoctrinating and persuading. Well, I'm not one who is very skilled at reading the emotional weather of a conversation, I tend to focus on my own thoughts and feelings rather than the other person's. Often, I would just end up hijacking the conversation, pouring words all over my listener without making enough space for a reciprocal dialogue.

I was reading this article on empathy in humans just now. Up till then, I always thought empathising is relatively similar to sympathising, like how feelings of woe and sadness can be triggered within us when we walk past a homeless or physically handicapped person.

"Sympathy is just a secondary component of empathy, where you feel both an emotional response to someone else's distress and a desire to assuage their suffering. However, empathy involves a different emotional response to someone else's feelings, entailing setting aside your own current standpoint to attribute, infer and predict a mental state or behaviour of the person."

Well, I suppose empathising is about spontaneously and effortlessly tuning into somebody else's world, to truly care for, and offer comfort to, another person, even if you stand to gain nothing in return. I don't consider myself a natural empathiser, for one thing. In fact, I always thought that I'm a good listener. But now that I think of it, maybe not. Oh well, perhaps how we perceive ourselves really falls short of how others actually perceive us. Or am I complicating things again?

"The real empathiser adjusts a conversation to be attuned to others' thoughts and feelings, upon perceiving fine and subtle shifts of moods. He or she consistently thinks about what others might be feeling, thinking or intending, not just a shallow and insincere interest in them."

It's kind of true, I guess, how empathy can be compared to colour vision. Just like how certain people can differentiate different hues of a particular colour used in a painting, a good empathiser should be able to recognise and distinguish different tints of emotions, though they can be very subtle. For instance, hostility may come in the form of contempt, sarcasm, condescension, not just the usual forms like aggression and violence. And women are more sentient than men, I think, more capable of perceiving such things.

I guess sometimes we can get so carried away with offloading our burdens to other people that we somehow ignore their thoughts and feelings whilst solely focusing on ours. Well, I admit I'm guilty of plunging into this habit almost all the time. Almost everyone is guilty of that. Come to think of it, it is not really fair to the listener who may actually find our hail of words unpleasant or dreary in some ways.

Maybe what lies behind the art of communication is simply pure empathy. Empathy that acts as the glue of social relationships.

Whatever we take, we must replenish.

======================================

"This is simply me. Me seeing through the darkness and finding out that there is light at the end of the tunnel after all. When you walk with your eyes shut, you'll never see it. When you open your eyes, it'll be there, even if you have to blink back the tears to see it clearly." - Emma a.k.a GleeChumber

To Agustin:

The above quote's dedicated to you, Agustin. It's an overstatement to say that I truly understand what you're going through right now because I know I can never put myself in your shoes. Talk about empathising, huh?

Failures are simply stepping stones towards the eventual success. Sounds cliche, I know, but what else can I say? It always takes something as harsh and devastating as a thunderstorm to make you see the strength within yourself and the good existing in this world. Trust me, all the negative things and everything else that you cannot seem to confront presently will definitely lead you to something bigger and happier. Take heart! =)

Pyrrhic Victories

2004-09-20T13:12:00.000+08:00

Pyrrhic Victories

For once, I dreaded the sight of books. I dreaded Physics lessons and skipped Maths tuition a couple of times that my tutor ended up calling me and giving me a severe lecture. Maybe I'm taking things a little too easily. Maybe I'm too much of an idealist, focusing unnecessarily on future possibilities than the present reality. Maybe I'm running away from reality, taking a backseat for too long that I may end up hacking at myself with a saw.

Oh yeah, to all those who have placed your bets on me, which is utter stupidity to start with, I hope your stakes weren't high.

Well, come to think of it, our country, its education system, in particular, has been trying to eat its own cake. It's really ironic and almost getting cliche, the way they talk about how schools should nurture creativity in students to promote independent thinking and the free expression of individualism, and yet, are too slow and reluctant to settle for a middle ground. The conventionally strong emphasis on academics still does exist and again, this springs from the very fact we are just too afraid to take risks, too afraid of failure, too afraid of abandoning our comfort zones and venturing into the unknown.

Subconsciously, we begin to deny our own wishes and aspirations. We choose to take the safer course, no longer the road less traveled. We choose to conform because we crave stability, doubtful of the freedom and leeway that we have the power to create for ourselves.

Destroyer of ambitions, murderer of dreams.

Nothing but cynical derision of our endeavour.

Currently, the only thing I take pride in and look forward to at the end of school every weekday is to write in my journal. I find solace and comfort in writing more than anything else. Nothing but writing can help me escape from the sheer starkness of reality. The moment I hold my pen against the surface of a blank new page, it feels as though my thoughts and feelings can finally breathe normally and properly. It's just one way to heal and unburden myself, I suppose, one way of retreating into Escapism and preventing my sanity from shriveling into nothingness.

Oh well, all that appear so important and precious to us now may no longer matter to us in the future. Why bother struggling and toiling and adding misery to yourself? Like waves, ferocious ocean waves, we are all going to crash against the shore anyway.

Random Thoughts

2004-09-04T17:29:00.000+08:00

Random Thoughts

"Beautiful people. Beautiful smiles. Beautiful snapshots (Charlie Angel's pose, especially!). What a wonderful day! I LOVE 4A! My dearest angels!"

"Let's brace ourselves up for the final leg of the race! NOTHING can stop us if we set our minds and hearts to it!"

"Just realised that my entries are getting shorter and shorter."

"When you win some, you lose some. You can't have it all. These are the exact words that I've been telling myself all this while. These are the exact words that I'm compelling myself to come to grips with. How can I bite this bullet?"

"Undoubtedly, you're no more wiser than a Solomon."

"As hot as the Blast Furnace. As cold as the Atlantic Ocean. Ain't it hard to withstand the extremities of such capricious conditions?"

"No more does the mention of your name, the sound of your voice, the sight of your being, make my heart beat my bongo drums. No more do I dither over my options. No more is everything unchecked and unbridled."

"At least we could have been friends if not for all this, if not for all this thorny and complicated awkwardness. Do you feel the same way? Anyway, just to let you know, I do care for you. I really do. Well, rest assured, nothing else extends beyond these margins."

"As Time creeps and crawls by, it gradually sucks out the core and quintessence within you. Unless your pace catches up with that of Time, be prepared to embrace a sheer vacuum."

"Will be on hiatus for a few weeks. Yes, hibernation."

Wrong Scout

2004-08-30T17:37:00.000+08:00

Wrong Scout

Perhaps TalentQuest just isn't opportune. Perhaps we should have foreseen the many hurdles and obstacles that would arise. Perhaps we should have just abolished the whole plan from the very beginning. Perhaps we should have anticipated how your prejudice, inflexibility and small-mindedness would shatter the flow of everything.

So your reckoning lies on the basis that only those who are academically inclined have the right to perform? So you think it is absolutely just and reasonable in banning them from entering the finale if their results are suffering? Even if there were no TalentQuest as a form of tempting distraction, do you really think there will not be other forms of diversions that would prevent them from devoting their utmost attention to their studies?

Isn't a LEADER supposed to recognise and appreciate the rare potential of others, the potential beyond the boundaries of academic excellence? Why rob and deprive them of the opportunity to unveil the best in them, to showcase their aptitudes and fortes?

May I inquire your definition of talent? May I comprehend your perception of success? Have you considered the preparation and groundwork that we have laid since last year? Have you considered the scale of the very pains and trouble that we have taken? Have you even wondered how you are going to answer to the whole school? Do you really think that your decisions are justifiable?

Truly, we have relented, we have yielded, ultimately. We can no longer battle against such unwarranted circumstances. In any case, you have simply proven to us that you are NOT worth a diminutive fraction of the respect that we had shown you in the past. Oh, respect is mutual. You just have to figure out how to earn it, before demanding it from others.

Somehow, no matter how hard one strives, her success reaches not the peak but the plateau.

Materialisation of Worst Fears

2004-08-25T18:04:00.000+08:00

Materialisation of Worst Fears Ever

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." -Buddha

Incensed and exasperated, I officially am right now. Screwed up my Chemistry Practical, more pissed than ever with that narrow-minded, bossy, pretentious, rigid, stuck-up King Kong. Talk about change! Talk about creativity! Nothing but a mountain of bullshit camouflaged by a string of splendid vocabulary!

During the bus ride home just now, I actually raised my voice at a passenger who simply or rather, accidentally, jostled me and as a result, attracted lots of unwanted attention. Well, it was a hard heave and because of it, I lost grip of my precious water bottle which landed on the floor and suffered more ugly dents than before. Come to think of it, I'm much taken aback by my own behaviour and I'm feeling totally guilty now. I apologise for my crude behaviour, Lemoushmi and Anne. Really sorry that both of you have to witness that. I suppose I wasn't in the right frame of mind, I guess I just let my foul mood get the better of me. So sorry, really.

Lick my soles, will you?

Food is the best medicine. Right Agustin? =)

Entwined Maze

2004-08-22T09:26:00.000+08:00

Entwined Maze

He who bends to himself a joy
Does the winged life destroy,
But he who kisses the joy as it flies
Lives in eternities' sunrise.

Eternity

A Poison Tree
by William Blake (1757-1827)

I was angry with my friend
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe
I told it not, my wrath did grow.

And I watered it in fears
Night and morning with my tears.
And I sunned it with smiles
And with soft deceitful wiles.

And it grew both day and night
Till it bore an apple bright.
And my foe beheld it shine
And he knew that it was mine.

And into my garden stole
When the night had veiled the pole.
In the morning glad I see
My foe outstretch'd beneath the tree.

Well, what I gather from this poem is how the poison tree is symbolised as a figure for describing the psychological states of transferred hatred and repressed anger. Blake seems to be bursting with self-congratulation at the death of his foe. Maybe he was trying to depict a satisfying incident of revenge that he experienced himself or unleashed upon his enemy? That's pretty eerie, huh?

Wrath as the consequence of induced anger. Repressed anger that gradually cultivated itself into a tree of deceitful friendship, like a wild and untamed plant in the garden of our experience.

Cool. Absolutely love the melodramatic and unusually sinister tone of his language. Clever and insightful usage of metaphors.

Yesterday, I went to check out other types of interpretation of this poem. There were a few similar ones that explained how the apple is associated with that on the Tree of Knowledge in the Garden of Eden, which in turn hints at the narrator's jealousy of or resentment towards God's creation. How weird! It doesn't make much sense to me!

Anyway, A Poison Tree is one poem extracted from his collection, Songs of Experience. I really love Blake's poems, especially The Tyger, The Lamb, The Sick Rose and The Garden of Love. Well, he published almost all of his works himself, in which the poems were etched manually, along with illustrations and decorative images, onto copper plates. I just like the sense of bleakness and malice of all his poems, how he tackled themes and notions like corruption, injustice, jealousy, shame and used them to reframe and accentuate the dark aspects of human thoughts and behaviour.

Trying to interpret his other poems now. Later.

======================================

Below are two more poems by Philip Sidney, another favourite poet of mine! He belonged to the Elizabethan Age, if I'm not wrong, 16th century England. His style of writing totally differs from that of William Blake and though I definitely favour the latter, Sidney's poems are still the better ones that I have read so far.

Have I Thus Betrayed My Liberty?

What, have I thus betrayed my liberty?
Can those black beams such burning marks engrave
In my free side? Or am I born a slave,
Whose neck becomes such yoke of tyranny?

Or want I sense to feel my misery?
Or sprite, disdain of such disdain to have?
Who for long faith, tho daily help I crave,
May get no alms but scorn of beggary.

Virtue, awake! Beauty but beauty is;
I may, I must, I can, I will, I do
Leave following that, which it is gain to miss.
Let her go. Soft, but here she comes. Go to,

Unkind, I love you not: O me, that eye
Doth make my heart give to my tongue the lie.

Loving In Truth

Loving in truth, and fain in verse my love to show,
That she, dear she, might take some pleasure of my pain,
Pleasure might cause her read,
reading might make her know,
Knowledge might pity win, and pity grace obtain.

I sought fit words to paint the blackest face of woe;
Studying inventions fine her wits to entertain,
Oft turning others' leaves, to see if thence would flow
Some fresh and fruitful showers upon my sunburn'd brain.

But words came halting forth, wanting invention's stay;
Invention, Nature's child, fled step-dame Study's blows;
And others' feet still seem'd but strangers in my way.
Thus great with child to speak and helpless in my throes,

Biting my truant pen, beating myself for spite,
"Fool," said my Muse to me, "look in thy heart, and write."

======================================

To this chapter of my being, not a genuine full-stop, but a grim question mark.

Random Thoughts Yet Again

2004-08-19T17:49:00.000+08:00

Random Thoughts Yet Again

"It's so easy telling it to others, but so hard to tell it to myself. Mutilated creed and confidence that only I can weld."

"Stoning is the most advanced state of daydreaming. Only the exceptional few can achieve that."

"Will someone feed me morsels of Aubergine Anguish? Trust me, I would savour them, slowly, bit by bit, letting their flavour linger in the depths of my chest before they stumble upon my heart."

"How unalloyed can one's intentions get? How can I tread so gingerly amidst those cumbersome boxes, barrels and sacks? I think I'll simply end up bulldozing my way through. Anyway, just be thankful that I have chosen to ignore those fake glitters that you sprinkled in front of my eyes."

"Many things are just un-called for. Frankly, any form of vindication is totally fruitless. It's better if we stop trying."

"You forced me to be alienated and estranged from you. I did not wish for it to happen. Spare me the gaucherie! Spare me the indifference!"

"I see slithery serpents everywhere. I sense rumours aired in low whispers and murmurs. Don't even think of escaping, you have no way out! Oh, you can try feigning ignorance, not that it would be useful though."

"Lying is part of hypocrisy, don't you know that?"

"At times, I may be a nincompoop but do bear in mind that I'm definitely NOT a turkey or a dodo bird. Anyway, I'm quite ready to run the gauntlet. Just make sure that you aim your projectiles and missiles at the right spot with that vulture's eye of yours."

The Endless Subway

2004-08-14T18:28:00.000+08:00

The Endless Subway

"Beauties in vain their pretty eyes may roll. Charms strike the sight, but merit wins the soul." -Alexander Pope

Your Energy is Yellow. You are generous, bright, and expressive. An excellent communicator, you keep your audience captivated with your animated storytelling. Sometimes you talk too much, but when you learn to listen you will be sought out for your talents to advise. The communications field appeals to you as a profession. Public speaking, writing, radio, acting or teaching would also be good career choices.

What color is your energy?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are Schroeder!

Which Peanuts Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

======================================

I had a bizzare dream last night. Dreamt that I was cutting my own hair with a pair of gardening shears and ended up giving my hairstyle an outrageous transformation. The ends of my hair were sticking out in all directions! I consulted a hair stylist and he told me, "Your hair is doomed. Say goodbye to it forever." He then started shaving my hair bald and I wanted to scream but my voice got stuck in my throat. Ah, doesn't make sense, does it? All my dreams, as far as I can recall, are absurd, nowhere near reality, that is.

"To dream that you are cutting your hair, suggests that you are experiencing a loss in strength. You may feel that someone is trying to censor you. Alternatively, you may be reshaping your thinking or ambitions and eliminating unwanted thoughts or habits."

Found the above interpretation on Dream Moods Dictionary. I guess it's true in a way, how the content of your dreams can suggest certain subconscious thoughts and feelings that may be foreign to your own perception.

Loss in strength? Strength in controlling my feelings? Strength in my judgement of people and things around me? Strength in bearing the whole world upon my shoulders?

Censorship? Machiavellian sabotage? More of self-repression, I presume.

We can never apply the Principle of Moments to our own lives. The balance is always upset, no matter how hard we try to adjust it. Well, Mrs Leong came up to me the other day and started telling me about how she thinks I tend to over-achieve and how it has affected my emotional health which in turn has a counter-productive effect on my grades. Oh well, I don't deny the logic behind her words. Like other teachers, she doesn't see the entire picture though. I can't blame it on her superficiality, can I?

I'm tired, really. My train of thoughts has been interrupted and can no longer flow. My nerve impulses are retarding, they're degenerating, at an increasing rate. Sooner or later, they are going to be stagnant. Unlike normal cells, brain cells die every day and they never get replaced.

For better or for worse, I've developed a form of selective memory.

I can feel the Body quietly confronting the Mind, the Mind who has been defying the wishes of the Body. The Body retaliates and the Mind suddenly releases a piercing shriek, sounding like a petrified creature that has met its ultimate predator, a predator whose ferocious presence it can no longer oppose...

To You, My Confessions

2004-08-11T19:25:00.000+08:00

To You, My Confessions

"Sometimes, we don't do the things that we want to do because others would know that we want to do them."

At least it had been mutual. It was unspoken but utterly implicit. It was there right from the beginning. Throughout the months, it simply grew stronger and deeper, until it reached a stage when it became saturated with an extreme intensity that almost drew me crazy, leaving me so sidetracked and abstracted.

You know, every time you see me, I never fail to notice the way your countenance change, the way you turn your head away to avoid my gaze. You were so conscious of my presence. However aloof you tried to appear, I could completely sense your nervousness and insecurity. I could see it in your eyes. I could feel it in my bones. I tried to conceal it too, but I guess I gave myself away ultimately. Well, I'm sorry for those icy looks, the detached front that I displayed. I'm sorry for the occasional apathy and indifference you received. I'm sorry but I suppose it's the only way of masking my true feelings for you. Perhaps I'm just not prepared for any self-revelation.

Can we still continue avoiding each other and pretend that nothing has happened?

Can't you sense my confusion? Can't you tell that I've grown tired of musing over it, of surmising how you truly feel about this? It's just something I can't seem to analyse, take apart and think over.

It has not even started, and yet, it's over. It's just so irrational, so impossible, so forbidden. So heart-wrenching.

If you're reading this, please don't bear any misconceptions about my intentions of typing all this. I'm just stating how I feel about it so that for me, at least, things between us would not be left hanging in midair. I mean, I don't think either of us would have the courage to speak to each other, so I guess this may be the best way to put across my thoughts.

Well, I've already decided to let go and move on. There ain't no more faith that I can latch onto, is there? Anyway, it'd been great knowing you. Thanks so much for everything! Stay happy, be true to yourself and live every day to the fullest! STUDY HARD! Don't disappoint yourself! Don't disappoint me! =)

Memories, both real and illusory, as crisp as lines.

Would you preserve them?

I would. I have decided to discard my eraser.

Change

2004-08-07T17:17:00.000+08:00

Change

ATTENTION! To all those who enjoy ice-cream, especially vanilla ice-cream, here's a wonderful treat for you:

What an efficient way of making ice-cream, huh? =)

======================================

"The only constant thing in life is change."

Yeah, this is what Christopher Fong told me when I had my counseling session with him in January. I remember him as a classic sissy, the most memorable impression being his dainty hand gestures and the feminine way in which he crossed his legs when talking to me. Haha! Well, during that one and a half hours, he made me see alot of things that I was previously blind to. Although he wasn't that eloquent in his speech, I perfectly understood what he was trying to convey to me. His witty earnestness just completed the job. For that, I'm really grateful to him. =)

An extract from Teens Can Make It Happen- Stedman Graham:

Sometimes we fear letting go of the familiar, even if it hasn't always been pleasant, even if we want to change it. Well, accept your fears and concerns as a natural part of the process of change. In your own pursuits, remember this: You may not know how to get to your destination, but don't let that stop you. You won't find your way out of a maze by standing still or looking back. If you move about, it is more likely that the way or the answer will reveal itself.

Tune in to your emotions. Monitor your feelings and your attitudes towards everything around you. Don't allow your emotions to cloud your judgment or to spark any negative behaviour.

Recognise that sadness and anger are common feelings induced initially by change. There is no need to fight these feelings. It would only bring about more turmoil. Instead, channel them into positive energy by accepting them and understanding why you feel the way you do. Do something that makes you laugh or elevates your mood.

Take stock of your options. Many times, these strong emotions are the result of feeling trapped and robbed of opportunities. However, it has been said that in times of change, people concentrate far too much on the door that has been closed, rather than looking for the doors that are opened. Rather than being swept up emotionally, charge up mentally and consider what promising prospects will be unveiled by the change. Now is the time to act, not react.

Just as trees cut off nourishment to their leaves during autumn and winter, the process of change begins with the act of letting go that part of life you want to change. If the trees didn't shed their old leaves, their branches would not be able to sprout buds for new growth. The same is true for you and me. Our personal growth can only come about when we release our old ways and self-defeating behaviour that has held us back.

Let go. Stick to your plans. Hold on tight. Blossom and grow.

Random Thoughts Once More

2004-08-06T16:40:00.000+08:00

Random Thoughts Once More

"Kerri, thanks for that little pat! So sweet of you!"

"I can't believe my aunt actually allowed that MURDERER to attend my uncle's wake. That despicable creep doesn't deserve this!"

"Don't get so possessive thinking that I'm a thief eyeing for your object of affection! Your behaviour really irks me to the core! In fact, there is no need for you to be wary of me. Come to think of it, after the end of this year, your biggest threat will naturally be eliminated. It's definitely a win-win situation for you, so please, for heaven's sake, drop your paranoia! Thank you!"

"You know what? You're just like a decorative gift box. So pretty and attractive on the outside but inside you, there's absolutely nothing at all."

"I should live more for myself, not for others, not through others. Well, everyone has a stake in this world, in his or her life! Who else is worth living for but yourself?"

"Gosh, is this your method of flirting with him? I guess I should really applaud myself for swallowing my own vomit!"

"The squeaky wheel gets the grease. Your exhibitionism has paid off. Finally."

"Time's winged chariot waits for no one. Why do we define time the way it is? Who established the fact that a day consists of 24 hours? That 1 hour consists of 60 minutes? That 1 minute consists of 60 seconds? Who is the moron that affirmed a sunrise and a sunset make up a day?"

"Anger management is tough. But I'm simply so glad that I can finally give vent to my feelings! It used to be so difficult, even impossible at times. And I wonder what's the catalyst that is working this miracle now. Is it worth letting sanity rule our lives constantly? At the expense of paralysing our own emotions?"

"I'm NOT making a Freudian slip right now. My mind is totally clear and I say what I have to say. I know I'm raining torrents of verbal abuse, creating an avalanche of condemnation. But ain't it right for me to honour my impulses?"

"It hurts so much to know that I've been taking myself for a ride. Anyway, I've learnt my lesson. From today onwards, no longer will I not subject myself to any self-demeaning acts."

Gone Forever

2004-08-02T17:14:00.000+08:00

Gone Forever

My uncle's gone just like that. His life was taken away by the recklessness of some drunkard who took ecstasy pills before he drove his car. It's not like he died of an illness or something. The gruesome sight of him lying in a pool of blood, his body crushed by the wheels of the car, is just too excruciating. He's only 57, he was so healthy, so radiant-looking. No one would have anticipated such a thing. Learnt of this shocking news on Sunday morning. Right now, I have not even come to grips with it.

I can't seem to express how I feel now. Trauma? Shock? Grief? Wrath? Yes... WRATH. It seems so easy to push all the blame to that driver, huh? I thought after the deaths of my grandmother and Pamelia, it wouldn't really take its toll on me. Hell, I was so wrong.

Okay, let me go get tissue paper. I'm gonna delete this entry anyway. This is just too much for me.

Latest- 7:07PM: I just found out from my Mom that the culprit is actually one of his close friends, one of those whom he hanged out with that night.

Yeah, so YOU killed my uncle by accident, heh? Good, YOU will carry the burden of a guilty conscience for the rest of YOUR life! What a tragic lesson, huh? But YOU know what? Not even the dirtiest life in the most dilapidated prison cell can pay the price of your hideous sin! NOTHING!

Pardon me.

Misty Conclusions

2004-07-31T17:31:00.000+08:00

Misty Conclusions

"It is with narrow-souled people as with narrow-necked bottles; the less they have in them, the more noise they make in pouring out." -Alexander Pope

Yes, I'm updating now! Caroline has been urging me to update all week! So I'm delivering your instructions now, madam! Satisfied? Haha! Hey, you and Xiu Tian better edit the videos soon! I want to view the performances again! Please? =)

By now, I think many of us have already learnt of the disappointing bummer. That wet blanket just has to spoil everything! I don't see how her myopic and narrow standpoint and reasoning are justified. How is she going to answer to those who have devoted so much commitment to their performances? How is she going to answer to the rest of the school?

Thou shall not succumb to the authority of the ruthlessly oppressive and dogmatic Tyrant.

Perhaps I may sound a bit too harsh. But everyone has the freedom of speech, the freedom of expression. I just can't seem to fathom her good intentions. For now, we'll just keep our fingers crossed. Keshia told me that she's very receptive to compromises. Well, I hope so. And Keshia, I really take my hat off to you! How can you still stay so calm and composed, when I've become a volcano that has exploded and ejected blazing hot lava and fumes?

Okay, enough of all this. Yes, I'm still breathing. My pulse rate is stabilised. My blood pressure is back to normal. The enormous rush of adrenaline has more or less simmered. The volcano has returned to her dormancy, not even the most skilled and expert geologists can predict when it'll be her next round of eruption though.

I'm already outdistanced. Driven into hysterics. What now?

Don't try pulling the wool over my eyes. I'm not that stupid.

Well, sometimes, I really marvel at the power of words to heal and to hurt. Hilda once said that words are two-dimensional objects with unlimited usage as a manipulative form of tool. Words can paint a rosy portrait which craft the most unforgettable visual impression, and yet, at the same time, when put together, they can serve as the sharpest dagger that has ever existed, the dagger that penetrates so acutely into your heart, leaving you too shaken or aghast to feel the mordant impact.

Maybe the nuclear bomb ain't the world's most disastrous weapon. Maybe it's just something as deceivingly simple as words.

======================================

Numarie thy foolishness! Numarie thy lunacy! Numarie thy idiocy!

It had been a howler all along. A pure howler. I'm the victim of my flawed howler.

Thanks for all those overtones. Undertones. Whatever it's called.

How will the lightest seed grow into the strongest tree, when the seeds have never been nurtured?

One man's meat is another man's poison.

So Hectic

2004-07-30T19:50:00.000+08:00

So Hectic

"To love someone who does not love you, is like shaking a tree to make the dew drops fall."

You are the spirit of wisdom. You are wise beyond your years and know what others don't. You are what others need in a friend. You might appear shy but you are strong on the inside.

What kind of element fey are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

My life is so hectic nowadays! So many things have happened and yes, that includes the highlight of the week- TalentQuest! I'll update more tomorrow, gotta study for Literature mock exam tomorrow and get my much deprived beauty sleep!

To Keshia, Katrina, Kerri, Caroline, Xiu Tian, Lemoushmi, Joycelyn, Cindia, Collen, Eileen, Serene:
Well, thanks for being there! All of us really made this event a success! Kudos to you, babes!

To Whitney, Ying Li, Keri-Ann, Wei Shan, See Weng, Hui Yee, Gemma:
I was really impressed by all your performances! The stage truly belongs to all of you! Never stop bringing out the best in yourselves and trust me, you'll definitely shine above the rest!

Half-empty Bottles

2004-07-24T14:36:00.000+08:00

Half-empty Bottles

"Life isn't a bed of roses, it ain't a crown of thorns either." - Kako

People kept telling me my eyes are puffy and swollen these days. They asked me if I'd cried or lost sleep. They asked me if the stress is getting to me. And Debrah told me to breathe. You know, just like many consume sleeping pills to help them fall asleep easily, I often listen to sad songs so that it would be less painless for me to cry. I mean, under normal circumstances, even though the feeling of sadness can be quite overwhelming, it just seems so difficult to give a free rein to my tears. Perhaps I was so used to suppressing my own emotions that it somehow takes much struggle to activate my dormant tear glands. Oh, Pamelia's death was a major exception though. Well, certain songs can surprisingly intensify all the despair and depression within me. I was listening to Solitaire just now and I almost cried. It's not just the emotive singing, it's the lyrics too.

Solitare- Clay Aiken

There was a man, a lonely man
Who lost his love through his indifference
A heart that cared, that went unchecked
Until it died in his silence.

And Solitaire's the only game in town
And every road that takes him, takes him down
And by himself it's easy to pretend
He'll never love again.

And keeping to himself he plays the game
Without her love it always ends the same
While life goes on around him everywhere
He's playing Solitaire.

Another day, a lonely day
So much to say that goes unspoken
And through the night, his sleepless nights
His eyes are closed, his heart is broken.

And Solitaire's the only game in town
And every road that takes him, takes him down
And by himself it's easy to pretend
She's coming back again.

And keeping to himself he plays the game
Without her love it always ends the same
While life goes on around him everywhere
He's playing Solitaire.

A little hope, goes up in smoke
Just how it goes, goes without saying
Solitairee
And by himself it's easy to pretend
He'll never love again
Ohhhh

And keeping to himself he plays the game
Without her love it always ends the same
While life goes on around him everywhere
He's playing Solitaire
Solitaire, solitaire.

======================================

Anyway, the walkathon yesterday was quite fun, though extremely exhausting. The company was great- Agustin, Meryline and Dawn. Throughout the entire walk, Agustin kept complaining of her tired leg muscles and her bruised soles! We talked alot, sang to our lungs' content, and best of all, burnt loads of calories. Oh yeah, how can I forget? The Hero to the rescue of the Damsel in Distress. What do you imply from this statement? Hey Dawn! Hey Meryline! It'd been fun teasing and joking with both of you. Got lots of kicks out of it! In the end, both of you took your sweet sweet revenge on Agustin and me by those unexpected violent attacks, so I suppose we're all quits now? =P

"A Walk to Remember."

Agustin's words. Yes, corny but cool. =)

Steffi said I looked demure in my Peranakan costume. Steffi! Are you sure "demure" is the right adjective? I think I looked old instead, like a prim and prudish elderly woman. I was clad in that tight sarong so I danced really clumsily! Haha! Everyone looked really pretty in their ethnic costumes! Qingling wore a kimono with big motifs of very nice flowers. Agustin wore a cheongsam that looked so flattering on her! Most wore saris and Punjabi suits of all sorts! The feast was fabulous! Fishballs, sausages, egg salad, coleslaw, chicken wings, fried rice, sushi, brownies, cookies, etc, etc. YUM YUM. Took many pictures with my friends, then changed out of my costume and headed home.

To Hilda:
Profanity! Profanity! Blatant absurdity, huh? You said you almost fainted on the spot when you saw that! I think God who must have witnessed it too might have been so startled that he had a heart attack! But come to think of it, who would actually conform to the codes and principles of his or her faith?

======================================

Yes, it's so true. The profound depth and richness of the human eyes. Half-empty bottles? How vaguely poetic!

Soulful eyes that whisper a thousand words
Soulful eyes that lift me on the flight of imagination
Soulful eyes through which the beacon of affection glows
So softly, so steadily
Don't hide your eyes from me.

More Random Thoughts

2004-07-18T18:20:00.000+08:00

More Random Thoughts

"I'm a misfit. Maladjusted. Every solitary endeavour just seems to fade into the background and lose its purpose and essence. What's the point of trying so hard?"

"Astounded. Staggered. Flabbergasted. What more can I say?"

"Is there no more profound logic to believe in? Is there no more conviction that I can hold onto? I've arrived fractured and splintered, the hope of restoring me is as faint as the gleam of a distant star."

"Lowbrows! There is a life out there! There is a life beyond STC!"

"It matters not whether you've journeyed through the lands of surrender. It matters not whether you've seen, heard or felt it all. Keep both your head and your heart. When one happens to drift above the other, fear not. Stick to the one that truly beckons you to your destination."

"True enough, your self-esteem needs an extreme makeover. I couldn't agree more on that."

"Society and schools tend to favour those who are more left-brained. Right-brained people are often disadvantaged, discriminated. Right Caroline? I'd rather be more right-brained though."

"It's so hard to draw a clear line between reality and fantasy. The latter has always been a retreat for me."

"It's odd and amazing, the way you set such high standards for those around you but take yourself so lightly. The actuality hasn't set in yet, huh? Aren't you an all-time fervent opportunist? What happened this time? Do you need a big punch in the face to wake up?"

"It is requited, it has always been. It is manifested, subtly and discreetly. But never has it been acknowledged. Never has it been articulated."

"There isn't a single day when Clay doesn't sing to me!"

"Sorry, please ignore me. I'm not in the right frame of mind now. Anyway, don't quote me and get me into trouble. Thanks."

Sombre Reflections

2004-07-14T19:17:00.000+08:00

Sombre Reflections

"Love is a canvas furnished by Nature and embroidered by imagination." -Voltaire

Purple! You have purple eyes! You're a dreamer, artist, poet, whatever. You enjoy all forms of art and literature, and tend to be quite good at creating them as well.

What Color Are Your Anime Eyes? brought to you by Quizilla

======================================
My desktop clock reads 6:53PM now. Pamelia's body has probably been cremated. Her spirit has vanished. What's left is simply plain ashes, a mere residue of her living being.

I attended Pamelia's funeral yesterday after school with Qingling, Whitney and Xiu Tian. The atmosphere there was really dismal and lifeless. The first thing that made my heart ache was how shattered and drained her mother looked. Red and swollen, her eyes looked like tunnels. They were so void, so forlorn. "She only had a headache and a fever." True enough, as time passes, her guilt and remorse may gradually be alleviated, but the agony of losing someone so precious and beloved will probably haunt her for the rest of her life. I mean, she must be thinking, "If only I had paid more attention to her sickness. If only I had sent her to the hospital much earlier. If only I had loved and treasured her better when she was still around..."

Well, she was lying so serenely in her coffin. I don't know why but time just seemed to freeze as I stood there and scanned the contours of her face. Her countenace was very peaceful but although she was just beside me, it was as if her soul had been taken from her body. Her corpse was purely nothing but a hollow shell. Maybe Death has a greenhouse of human souls? I was wondering to myself: Did she have the opportunity to say her last words upon her last breath on earth? Were tenuous visions of images from her life cluttering against her own consciousness? A strangely poignant mood developed really naturally and it kind of engulfed my senses. The next minute, I just cried. It was really impossible to suppress my tears.

Since last year, I have been studying this Literature novel "The Bonesetter's Daughter" and I suppose for the first time, I truly understand the fragility of the relationship between mothers and daughters. Well, we tend to take the closest people in our lives for granted and sometimes, deprive them of the love and appreciation that they deserve from us. Often, it's always at the last minute when it really began to dawn upon us that one of them may be leaving us soon that we start to cherish them. Well, in this novel, Ruth's mother had Alzheimer's, a form of dementia that puts her life at stake as she loses her memory, and eventually herself. It's only at this stage of Ruth's life that she sensed that time is growing short for both of them and that she felt the desire to serve as her mother's guardian angel, loving and protecting her with all her heart.

Well, if you've hurt or upset anyone, never let your pride blind you from the courage to apologise and ask for forgiveness. Do it before it's too late.

Right now, Pamelia is still lingering in my thoughts. Even though we do not know each other and I don't remember seeing her in school before, her death has somehow made a major impact on me. It really got me thinking about stuff beyond the intangible.

Perhaps Death is the ultimate equaliser, the sole thing which can render strangers to shed a drop of tear for each other.

Rest in peace, Pamelia. May you find discover the route to eternal love and bliss.

"What power has love but forgiveness? In other words, by its intervention, what has been done can be undone. What good is it otherwise?" - William Carlos Williams

Withdrawn

2004-07-12T16:03:00.000+08:00

Withdrawn

"Good things always happen to you when you least expect it."

I've never thought much of this notion but now I suppose it's really true. Often, when you try so hard to make certain things happen, your efforts will somehow end up in vain. However, sometimes if you simply sit back and do nothing, pleasant surprises just embrace you out of the blue!
Geez, I was once a control freak and at times, I always had the tendency to attempt to control things, situations and events. But now, it really seems almost impossible to even catch up with myself, not to mention the fast-paced yet cocooned, myopic universe that I'm drowned in.

I don't know why I've been feeling very moody and depressed recently. It's as if someone has placed tonnes of stones and rocks on my heart, compressing and weighing it down, down and down. Teenage blues? Probably. But then again, maybe the rainy weather's the culprit behind the persistent sense of gloom and bleakness within me. Darn the downpours! Why hasn't a rainbow appeared in the sky? It's been two weeks! Plus, it's not supposed to be the rainy season now! July's supposed to be the hottest and most humid month of the year for an equatorial country like Singapore!

Hell, I could not explain the overwhelming feeling of sadness that evolved inside me when Mrs Kong announced the death of Pamelia Lee. I guess it was really shocking for me, I was kind of on the verge of tears. Up till today, throughtout my whole life, I consider myself lucky for not having to grapple with the deaths of close friends and relatives. Well, my grandmother passed away in April this year though. What was most ironically shameful for me is that I did not even grieve. I did not even shed a single tear. I felt no angst, no pain, no misery. I kept wondering to myself: Was I that unfeeling and callous? Perhaps I, including my family, we were all emotionally prepared for her death. We knew that day would come eventually. We knew that her illness was eating her mind out day by day, reducing her into a frail and vulnerable old lady, both on the outside and the inside. We knew that death was probably her only flight from all those prolonged affliction and suffering.

Why is there such an huge discrepancy in my emotions? How am I supposed to feel about everything?

Miss Puspalm gave us an article for English today, something about autism. My cousin is autistic. She's 8 years old, currently studying in Marymount Convent. My uncle and aunt were supposed to send her to a special school that caters to the needs of autistic children but I suppose they were quite bent on letting her study in a normal primary school for fear that she doesn't receive a wholesome academic education. Well, I don't think they've made the right choice though. Because from what I hear from my other cousins, she's currently lagging behind her classmates when it comes to learning and schoolwork. What's more, her impaired speech and rhythm sense, including her faulty sense of hearing, are kind of hindering her social and intellectual growth. I mean, she should be sent to a special school. The programmes that they offer will really help her, the normal school environment isn't doing her much of a favour anyway.

Yeah, on Saturday I went to watch "Mean Girls" with Debrah and Whitney. After lunch, we patronised this stall at Youth Park and we had to play a game that goes like this: Drop a coin onto another matching coin in the bottom of the bowl filled with water. After three successful tries, you'll get a prize (handphone pouch or pencilbox or something).
So we tried our luck using the Law of Refraction of Light. Haha! At first, we convinced ourselves that what we were seeing was just the coin in its apparent position. Hee... what was very tricky was to determine the coin's real position. In the end, only Whitney was successful! She managed to lay just one coin above another. Oh well... theoretical physics doesn't always complement practical physics!

The mettle beneath the delicate guise.

For now, I only wish that Talentquest will run smoothly. I really hate to see our efforts go down the drain.

Withdrawn.

Sorry

2004-07-09T21:21:00.000+08:00

Sorry

"Anger blows out the lamp of the mind." - Robert Ingersoll

Why do you cry?
brought to you by Quizilla

To YOU:

I'm sorry, really really sorry.

I once said that I'm able to curb my emotions at the right time but unfortunately, I've proven myself wrong. I suppose my rationality simply gave way to my intense fury. When I'm really fuming, my judgement just becomes impaired. Yes, I typed those words out of pure spite. I admit they were too harsh, too caustic, too penetrating. Sometimes, we may just unintentionally form assumptions and misconceptions about each other and end up sabotaging ourselves. Well, maybe I held onto this friendship too tightly, such that when my anger was let loose, I actually became so upset that all the reason and sanity within me were eroded within a fraction of a second.

I'm very very sorry for hurting you. I really hope that things can go back to normal.

======================================

Found this on Whitney's blog. Really interesting.

Celtic Astrology- Which tree did you fall from?

I fell from the...

Hazelnut Tree (the Extraordinary) -- charming, sense of humour, very demanding but can also be very understanding, knows how to make a lasting impression, active fighter for social causes and politics, popular, quite moody, sexually oriented, honest, a perfectionist, has a precise sense of judgment and expects complete fairness.

Which tree did you, or your dog, fall from? Click here to find out!

"If I could reach up and hold a star for every time you made me smile, the entire evening sky would be in the palm of my hand." -Unknown

Pissed Off

2004-07-08T16:14:00.000+08:00

Pissed Off

Yes, I was pissed off last night and I STILL am. Don't ask me why, I simply do not wish to talk about it. I am reserving my aggressiveness, swallowing all the vulgarities and expletives I very much want to expel at this moment. I just don't want to despoil my blog with all this crudeness.

I'm one who seldom gets angry. It really takes a lot to induce my wrath. Up till then, very few people have done that.

So I'm a pigeon, huh? One of those pathetic pigeons that you effortlessly fire at in the shooting gallery? Or am I just a patsy, a useful tool that you conveniently utilitse for your own selfish and practical needs?

Who the hell do you think you are? Your hypocrisy is growing bigger and bigger each day that not even a bungalow can accommodate it.

Two-faced, bigoted, narrow-minded, narcissistic, self-interested.

I've always cherished this friendship, I really did. But now, I guess I was stupid to believe that our friendship was strong, I was stupid to think that it was built upon mutual trust. Perhaps my foolishness and naivety have blinded me from your true colours. Perhaps you've started befriending another fool to repeat your cycle of exploitation and manipulation.

You know what? If you carry on mistrusting your good friends, even your closest ones, you will never gain true friendship, no one will appreciate you for who you are.

Oh, guess what? You DON'T even have an identity to begin with. Tsk.

Worried

2004-07-04T18:20:00.000+08:00

Worried

"Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect. It just means you've decided to look beyond the imperfections." -Lauren

Delirium, the youngest of The Endless, you are the keeper of insanity, delusion and everything else that's just plain crazy. You make about as much sense as fish and telephone flavored ice-cream. You are truly your own person, and the fact that your eyes don't match, your hair is three different colors, and you have a floating fish following you doesn't bother you any. You have a truly unique perspective on the world, and no one else knows what to think about it.

Which Endless are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

======================================

I wonder how's Hilda coping with it. I'm really worried for her. Collen's worried for her too. Well, Hilda's too kind and considerate a person, I just feel that she compromises her needs and emotions too much, too often. She gives in to others so frequently that people tend to take her for granted. She would assure us that everything's fine whenever we ask her if the stress is getting to her. Hilda, I'm just stating how I feel. Believe me, I'm not making overstatements! No offence taken, okay?

Hilda, if anything is troubling you and you can't seem to find an outlet to dispel your frustrations, please talk to us. Don't keep things to yourself. All this while, you have been an amazing friend to many of us. Just to let you know, we'll always be there for you too.

The following poem's dedicated to you, Hilda:

The Arrow And The Song
by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882)

I shot an arrow into the air
It fell to earth, I knew not where
For, so swiftly it flew, the sight
Could not follow it in its flight.

I breathed a song into the air
It fell to earth, I knew not where
For who has sight so keen and strong
That it can follow the flight of song?

Long, long afterward, in an oak
I found the arrow, still unbroke
And the song, from beginning to end
I found again in the heart of a friend.

Random Thoughts Again

2004-07-02T16:49:00.000+08:00

Random Thoughts Again

"It felt so surreal. Words cannot describe it."

"The emotions flowed like the magnificent Victoria Falls. So swift, so potent, so overpowering."

"My mom was cunning enough to send my brother to spy on my daily activities during the holidays. The word "TRUST" just isn't in her vocabulary!"

"Okay, I think I get the message. So the logical mind reigns supreme while the irrational heart persishes. Good."

"Ambivalent feelings, huh?"

"I need to do something about my fingernails. Why is it that those on my left hand grow more quickly than those on my right hand?"

"Many changes are irreversible. Nothing can be done to secure the past."

"I miss directing the Literature play! I miss the rehearsals! I miss Eddie! I miss Alfieri! I miss Beatrice! I miss Catherine! I miss Rodolfo! I miss the Immigration Officer! I miss the phone booth!"

"Be honest with me. Be honest with your heart."

"Like Icarus, sometimes even the best preparation doesn't prevent the occasional flame-out."

"SELF-REMINDER: Don't bite off more than you can chew. Otherwise you'll end up laughing up your own sleeve."

"I will continue with the creation of Portal after 'O's. No business should be left unfinished."

"Who says beauty is only skin deep? Who says beauty is in the eye of the beholder? How can beauty be perceived solely by the heart, when the eyes turn blind upon the repulsive facades?"

"I WANT an encore of AMERICAN IDOL 2! I want Clay! I want Clay!"

Spaced Out

2004-06-30T16:12:00.000+08:00

Spaced Out

I took the Blogging Personality Quiz and I am...

THE WRITER
Words captivate me. And, I like to capture words. Blogging enables me to write often. It also provides a place for me to share what I write with a reading public. I can be funny, inspiring, intelligent, cynical, or morbid. It doesn't matter what I write about in my blog. It only matters that I write.

What Blogging Personality Are You? Take the quiz here!

My biological clock was really upset during the holidays. Now I'm getting so sleepy in the mornings and afternoons. I don't know why I was so spaced out today, couldn't concentrate during lessons, kept stoning, and was so lost in my own world that Jia Jia had to shout my name a couple of times before I responded to her. I wasn't daydreaming though, my mind was a total blank while I simply stared at the blackboard. Hopefully I can switch back to the NORMAL mode soon! Hee...

Tomorrow's chinese 'o's orals, I have to give it my best shot! Gotta converse energy for tomorrow, gonna sleep early tonight.

Identity Crisis

2004-06-26T09:48:00.000+08:00

Identity Crisis

Last night, I officially crowned my Dad as the...(a round of applause, please!)

"1st UNIVERSALLY ACCLAIMED FART MACHINE"!

Daddy, you did us proud! Good for you! Continue to work hard to maintain your title, yeah? Hmmm... maybe you can try increase the amplitude and frequency! We'll feed you with more onions from today onwards...

Spotted this quote on my sister's Red Cross magazine. One of her seniors actually came up with it and dedicated this quote to her juniors on perfect 10 radio.

"Laughing is like peeing in your pants. Others can see it but only you feel the warmth."

It's so true, ain't it? =) Seriously, come to think of it, have you ever laughed so far that you peed in your pants? Well, I almost did! I admit it! And there were a couple of times when I laughed so hard that I choked on my own saliva and hyperventilated! Haha! It was just like a nasty asthma attack!

Found this on Kerri-ann's journal.

"You are a perfectionist if:
1) You can't stop thinking about a mistake you made
2) You are intensely competitive
3) You want to do something just right or not at all
4) You won't ask for help as it can be perceived as a flaw or weakness
5) You are highly aware of other people's demands and expectations."

It really makes sense, doesn't it? I used to be a perfectionist, but now, it seems as though this part of me is slowly fading away. Good thing? Bad thing? To be fair to myself, I think it's kind of both.

Yeah, school's gonna start next week. My nightmares will start haunting me again. Honestly, I'm not totally prepared for the rigorous and exhaustive drilling and all but I suppose I have to just take it as it comes. Tons of expectations to live up to, not just mine, but my parents', my friends', my teachers' too.

Yeah, I definitely need more fuel for the final leg of the race. I need a powerful forward thrust to sustain myself till I reach the finishing line. You know, many a time, I remind myself the need to persevere and stay extremely focused on my academics, but somehow, I can't seem to find the energy to do so. It's not the same as before. Once the turning point is over, you can never go back. What's left is probably just trails of the past, a simple witness to my old self.

Well, success grows, it multiplies by heaps, until it reaches the highest peak. From there, either you become so tired of constantly wanting to achieve or you look down at the very base and suddenly recognise with much shame and pity all that you've neglected and sacrificed in your quest of reaching the peak. Gradually, everything starts taking a downturn and you struggle to cope with the changes. You tend to plunge into the pits of despair and depression. But after you've more or less learnt to deal with the changes, you actually feel happier, more buoyant, more upbeat. Before you know it, you begin reorganising your goals and priorities and adopt a wholly new perspective of your life.

Sometimes, I wonder if I'm amplifying the intensity of my thoughts and feelings. I don't know, maybe things aren't as complicated as they appear to be.

I need another serious reality check. A more serious one. I need someone to hurl a giant baseball into my face. I need to feel the shocking pain before I can relieve the rancour that's inside me.

The Tough Battle

2004-06-23T09:11:00.000+08:00

The Tough Battle

Balanced. You accept your emotions as normal and are not overly happy nor depressed. You are emotionally balanced and should find peace in the way you deal with life situations. Your emotions are normal and well understood. You see the light in the dark.

How Emotional Are You?
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Take the What Type of Friend are You? quiz

Take the What High School Stereotype Are You? quiz

Haha... goody-two-shoes. I'm not entirely like that. A couple of times I broke the rules too. Well, not all rules are meant to be obeyed. Yeah, I was late for school once and I had to do school service, or if you put it explicitly, detention. I was made to clean up the cupboards in the general office, sort out empty boxes, do filing... Mrs Clara Ang spotted me and she exclaimed, with a very surprised expression on her face, "I don't expect to see you here, Shuqi! How could you?" Like I said, always expect the unexpected!

Went to school for a meeting yesterday. I arrived pretty early, at about 8:20am though the meeting starts at 9. Yeah, I had to undergo the torment of the track coach's long long long sermon. Hey, he looks like Santa Claus, doesn't he? With his stocky built, the white beard and the fatherly look! Right Yongern? And Mr Francis was late, he arrived at around 9: 45, I think. The sweltering heat and humidity in the canteen kind of made me more annoyed. Well, he's always like that, he never fails to hold us up for all the meetings so far!

Yeah, the meeting ended at around 11:15. Called Qingling and guess what? Her mom picked up the phone, saying that she was still sound asleep.... BRZZZ... okay, Qingling, it's alright, since I've almost come to accept the fact that you're one of those who sleep like a hog. No offence yeah? =) Then I went to Takashimaya and waited ages for her at Coffee Bean! We were supposed to get a belated birthday gift for Agustin but ended up taking many detours... well, we can't help it... both of us love WINDOW-SHOPPING! Haha!
At first, we wanted to get her a stuffed toy, but then settled on a blouse... then a necklace... During one of our detours, we stepped into Isetan in Wisma Atria and finally bought a bracelet, something we finally agree on. Well, we're so fickle-minded! Hee. It took us about one hour to decide on something that suits her. Qingling and I have really different tastes when it comes to accessories. When it comes to keeping up with latest trends in fashion, I definitely pale in comparison to her! After that, we walked to Far East Plaza for lunch, had chicken rice- the meal was good, so cheap and delicious! Hee. Yeah, then we did more window-shopping before I headed for home at 3 plus. Qingling had to go home to get energised for her Linkin Park concert at 7pm. Whoa! She managed to get the front tickets! If you wanna know more, check out her blog!

======================================

To Ellyne:
Hey! Thanks so much for your time last night! Thanks for helping me sort out my thoughts! Don't worry too much about your problems too! Take everything in your own stride and you'll be fine. =) And all the best to your performance next month! Flaunt all that you've got!=)

======================================

Fragments of instincts complete a jigsaw puzzle. Quiet awareness. Unspoken affinity... Well, not anymore. The silence is broken. The prospects are devastated.

You are a strong magnet, attracting me to you however much I try to repel away.

It's a furious, prolonged battle between the logical mind and the irrational heart. Which will prevail?

I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing- Aerosmith

2004-06-21T15:26:00.000+08:00

I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing- Aerosmith

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you're far away and dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure

I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing

Lying close to you feeling your heart beating
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if it's me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes and thank God we're together
And I just wanna stay with you
In this moment forever, forever and ever

I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing

I don't wanna miss one smile
I don't wanna miss one kiss
Well, I just wanna be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just wanna hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And just stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time

Don't wanna close my eyes
Don't wanna fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
Cause I'd still miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing

I don't wanna close my eyes
I don't wanna fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you, baby
And I don't wanna miss a thing

Don't wanna close my eyes
Don't wanna fall asleep, yeah
I don't wanna miss a thing.

======================================

Man, my heart goes out to this song.

It's not just the amorous lyrics that touches me, but also the strong sense of melancholy that's evoked inside me whenever I listen to this song. What strikes me most is that the singer didn't exactly croon, he didn't really sing it in a soft, sentimental manner, but with lots of passion and ardour. I can really sense his heartfelt pining, his burning desire, all the emotions that are tearing him apart. Well, missing someone deeply can be a very mirthless and agonizing experience. Often, the more you try to forget a person, the more he or she dominates your mind... Time doesn't heal all wounds. In fact, it heaps on those wounds... Bleaz, what am I talking about? Hee.

Yeah, had my english orals this morning. Frankly, I wasn't mentally prepared at all. I was the 2nd candidate, after Hwee Min. Gosh, I think I screwed up everything. First, I read a bit too quickly and didn't really enunciate clearly. What was tricky was that the content of the whole passage mainly comprises dialogue and of course, I don't think I did a good job with that.

Although it ain't really a nightmare, it was still quite nerve-wrecking for someone like me. My nervousness kind of affected my ability to observe the details in the photograph and describe what I see in a logical way. And that Ms Yew kept prompting me.

"Tell me more about this lady with spectacles."

"What do you think the event is all about?"

"Anything else to add on?"

Etc, etc.

For the conversation part, I talked about reading and designing web animations as my hobbies. Qingling talked about tennis, Dawn talked about watching soccer, Whitney talked about blading. Hee. This section was fairly okay, except I spoke more in phrases and clauses, rather than long, complete sentences. Ms Yew kept smiling at me, maybe to soothe my nerves or something? Hmmm... it didn't help though, I became more tense and started to speak a bit too quickly.

Whatever. No use crying over spilt potion. It's over. =)

I just found out that my dad frequently farts during his sleep. Yeah, it happened many times when I was using the pc in his room. It was so loud and clear. Pretty disgusting huh? I was so amused when I heard it the first time, but I couldn't laugh in the middle of the night- otherwise that would be creepy. Haha... gonna tease him about it.

"It is unhealthy to be perfect."

I Love Him

2004-06-18T12:28:00.000+08:00

I Love Him

Besotted. Mesmerised.

Well, sorry, I'm going crazy over him again.

Boy, I'm falling head over heels in love with him. Haha. I'm gonna create a digital collage or wallpaper of him soon.

One of my favourite pictures of him. What a winsome grin! See, he's so adorable, so charming.

"I would go with you to the ends of the Earth and we'll fly. I've been waiting forever for this. This is the night."

Random thoughts

2004-06-17T20:48:00.000+08:00

Random thoughts

"Siamese twins are cool!"

"It's time to get scheming."

"A deer caught in headlights."

"I need more fuel. Gosh, there ain't any fuel in the first place. Okay, let me check. Oh no, the engine's rusty. The motor's choked. The boat's sinking... HELP!"

"It was a mortifying encounter. Thank god the only spectator was Hilda. Hilda and nobody else."

"Someone please pour a bucket of cold water over me, or kindly hold my head and bang it against the wall. You do the banging, I do the counting."

"It wasn't a surprising discovery. I knew it before you did. It all hinges upon my instincts. My gut feelings have never lied to me."

"Do unto yourself as you would like others to do unto you."

"Unless I master the art of walking effortlessly in high heels, I need a fair bit of growth hormones to be injected into my blood."

"Thank you. You inspired me. You accepted the contents of the whole package without asking anything for yourself."

"I have no forte. Just a pathetic, mediocre Jack-of-all-trades."

"Time is growing short for me. This is no turning back. MOVE ON!"

"Expecto PETROLEUM! Good one, Collen!"

"I love Physics! According to Newton's First law, an object possesses inertia. Hence, a stationary object will remain at rest and a moving object will continue its uniform motion in a straight line unless an external force acts upon both of them."

"Why speed through life and lose sight of yourself? Get energised by taking things in stride. See the big picture."

"Huh? We'll see."

Letting Go

2004-06-16T11:14:00.000+08:00

Letting Go

"Anyone can become angry- that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way- this is not easy." -Aristotle, The Nicomachean Ethics

You have an entrancing kiss- the kind that leaves your partner bedazzled and maybe even feeling he is dreaming. Quite effective, the kiss that never lessens and always blows your partner away like the first time.

What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

======================================

For once, maybe I should listen to my heart, not the reverberating voice in my head.

Hell, I don't know what and how to make out of it.

Upon learning it, I thought I would be so affected that I wouldn't be able to focus on my work. Instead, I absorbed it. No tinge of bitterness. No hard feelings. No wounded emotions.

I'm disappointed though. Baffled. Disillusioned.

If I'm being frank with myself, I haven't exactly come to terms with it. Maybe time is all I need.

Maybe an explanation is all I need. Just a simple one will do. I don't need you to account for everything. Just tell me whether it had been there, and if it is still there.

Trust me, I'll try to let go. Let go so that I can hold on to more important things in my life.

Because You Love Me

2004-06-14T16:52:00.000+08:00

Because You Love Me- Celine Dion

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through, through it all.

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best that was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith because you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me.

You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you.

You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you.

I'm everything I am
Because you loved me.

Constipated

2004-06-14T10:31:00.000+08:00

Constipated

Took a few quizzes. Though there's not much credibility to the questions posed, some of the results are pretty accurate, for me at least.

Holding hands - You like to be in constant physical contact with your special someone but you don't want to take things too quickly.

What Sign of Affection Are You?
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Yeah, this is quite true. If I were in a relationship, I would not tend to get too serious and emotional. I mean, why bother devoting so much love and commitment to something that's so transient and fleeting? It's better not to get so deeply invovled. Take it slow and steady instead, or else, I guess it'll simply bring nothing but false hopes and empty promises.

You are going to marry Brad Pitt. He is always friendly to anybody he ever meets and he is very talented as an actor. He is also very sincere and friendly. He will respect you until the day he dies. Congratulations!

Which male celebrity are you going to marry?
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I'm surprised, Brad Pitt! Qingling's gonna be so envious and jealous... haha! However, I would prefer Orlando Bloom or Johnny Depp as my future husband. But hey, he doesn't look too bad in this picture... yeah, that's him in "Meet Joe Black", when his charisma and masculine allure still captured the hearts of many females. But now he has to battle with hideous wrinkles across his cheeks and furrows on his forehead. Tsk tsk tsk.

You have a Calm Soul! Being calm and cool is what
you do best. Your collected thoughts and always positive attitude make you very bright and logical. When there is a problem, you know how to approach it, and solve it. Your friends rely on you to solve their problems, and your shoulder for their crying. You are peaceful, and enjoy nature and freedom. You rarely get angry and hardly scream, which makes you good with kids. You seem to be in tune with the world and if anything goes wrong, you always bounce back.

What Kind of SOUL do you posses?
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This one is very true. I'm quite submissive in nature and sometimes, people take advantage of that. In the past, I had frequent emotional outbursts but now, the feeling of wrath has somehow become a stranger to me. Often I really wish I possessed a greater capacity to display my anger and rage, but lately such emotions have more or less become subdued.
I don't know whether it's a good or bad thing. Perhaps I have become a more patient and level-headed person who doesn't act upon her impulses all the time. Yet at the same time, I had sealed the vent through which I express my bitterness and frustrations over certain things and people.

Shredded. Constipated.

Your Elemant is Wind. You're light-hearted, care-free, kind, sensitive, and mysterious. You have friends and most absolutely love you. You can be calm and soothing one minute and ragging in anger the next so no one wants to get on your bad side. Your beauty is inspiring and magical.

What's Your Element
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Seriously, I don't know about this. Tell me if it's true.

Xiu Tian the Godzilla

2004-06-11T21:23:00.000+08:00

Xiu Tian the Godzilla

"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak."- Lauren

What attracts people to you?
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Went to school for self-study today. At least I managed to get some work done, before I turned zany playing tic-tac-toe with Xiu Tian and pictionary with the rest. Well, we spent like one hour playing pictionary, with the "movie titles" as the theme.

Seabiscuit. Bean the Movie. James and the Giant Peach. The Lost World. Meet Joe Black. Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen. The Parent Trap. Free Willy. etc, etc.

Then after about half an hour later, both of us decided to play the game through our gestures and body movements. Oh yeah, Xiu Tian was so hilarious. For "Godzilla", guess what she did? She started jerking and kicking the chairs and tables in the classroom, trying so hard to mimic a dinosaur. Hmmm... you weren't really successful, are you? Haha!

And Collen, Hilda and Steffi were kind of competing against one another, they really cracked their brains and squeezed their brain juices as they tried to interpret the images on the blackboard and of course, our stupid gestures.
At the beginning, Steffi was extremely fast in guessing the correct movie titles, but soon Hilda and Collen catched up. Geez, we tallied the total number of points they scored and Steffi still emerged as the winner!

GO Steffi!=) Boo Hilda! Boo Collen!

With Qingling and her mom, I finally watched Troy! I really don't understand why Qingling's going ga-ga over Archilles! I mean he's definitely way too muscular and brawny to be considered sexy and charismatic! Well, I certainly prefer Hector, I suppose his character and personality in the movie appeals more to me. Unlike Archilles, he isn't egoistic and self-centered. He didn't fight for fame and glory, he didn't fight solely for himself. He fought for his country, his loved ones.

Both Archilles and Hector displayed a great deal of valour and courage, but to me Hector's bravery is, in fact, more admirable and honourable!
Maybe that's why Hector's death was more pronounced and dignified than Archilles'. Hector died a painful yet more glorified death, while Archilles' death was like peanuts!

On the overall, the screenplay was great. The members of the cast were pretty compatible too. But I really couldn't stand some battle scenes- a bit too gory and violent.

Anyway, Qingling, thanks so much for treating me to the movie!=) You refused to accept that $7.50... don't worry, everything will be on me next time!

Crossroads

2004-06-10T21:52:00.000+08:00

Crossroads

Geez, what do I want out of myself, my life? I really don't know. For now, my only objective is 'O's. But I consider this a pretty short-term goal. Yes, I awfully need 6 points.

6 points and 9 distinctions.

I SWEAR I WILL NOT SETTLE FOR SECOND PLACE.

Mark my words.

Yes, like Whitney and Xiu Tian said, the competition's going to heat up soon. Well, this is the final leg of the race and no way am I gonna cave in halfway and concede defeat.

I can do it, I must do it.

But what's my road map like once year 2004 is over?

Hell, if you ask me, I only have a blurred vision of my future. I know it's impossible to exactly pinpoint what I want for my future, but I really need some answers now. I need to hold on to something. I need to be assured. I really have to redefine my long-term goals and possess a realistic grasp of my strengths, my shortcomings, my weaknesses, my desires. Gosh, I'm stagnant, I have to move on soon.

No self-help books can provide me with the answers I require. No counseling can do that either. It all depends on me. I have to act fast. I can't stay like this forever.

Oh, before I forget... a big THANK YOU to my friends who have been there for me, to Qingling especially. Qingling, you are the one who saw the best in me. Thanks for being there.

Together we'll reach the finishing line.
Together we'll embrace the triumph.
Together we'll rejoice!

Fantasy

2004-06-09T20:52:00.000+08:00

Fantasy- Earth, Wind and Fire

Every man has a place
In his heart there's a space
And the world can't erase his fantasies
Take a ride in the sky
On our ship fantasise
All your dreams will come true right away

And we will live together
Until the twelfth of never
Our voices will ring forever as one

Every thought is a dream
Rushing by in a stream
Bringing life to your kingdom of doing
Take a ride in the sky
On our ship fantasise
All your dreams will come true miles away

Our voices will ring together
Until the twelfth of never
We all will live love forever as one

Come to see victory
In a land called fantasy
Loving life a new degree
Bring your mind to everlasting liberty
As one

Come to see victory
In a land called fantasy
Loving live for you and me
To behold to your soul is ecstasy
You will find other kind
That has been in search of you
Many lives have brought you to
Recognise it's your life now in review

As you stay for the play
Fantasy has in store for you
A glowing light will see you through
It's your day, shining day
All your dreams come true

As you glide in your stride
With the wind as you fly away
Bring a smile to your lips and say
I am free yes I'm free
Now I'm on my way.

Finally... finally... I managed to persuade Whitney to sign up for Talentquest. YAY! Oh right, I kind of forced her to. Haha. Well, she didn't even protest when I started filling in the application form for her. Right Whitney? Anyway, she's willing to sing and I believe she will do a fantastic job. Go Whitney go! Show the whole school what you've got!

A Sleepless Night

2004-06-08T01:40:00.000+08:00

A Sleepless Night

I had a nosebleed just now. It shocked the hell out of me. I was brushing my teeth when I felt something warm and slippery trickle out of my right nostril, down my lips and chin. Goodness, it was rather freaky. I haven't had a nosebleed for quite a long time. 10 minutes was how long I took to prevent the blood from flowing non-stop and now, the blood's all dried up inside my nose, perfectly blended with the sticky mucous. Haha... Ewww...

"If your nose runs and your feet smell, you're built upside down." -Boredom Busters

I went to watch the Harry Potter movie on Sunday, with my siblings. What a disappointment! I definitely expected better!
I don't know why but this time round, the new director failed to capture the magical essence of the book. A deep touch of fantasy was obviously lacking. It didn't really follow the plot of the book very well and many important details were missed out. There were too many abrupt scenes and the transition of one scene to another wasn't smooth at all. I was really expecting to see more scenes of Hogsmeade and the Quidditch practices and match and all. And like what Keshia said, that Remus Lupin looked like an "average london guy or Englishman".Oh, Draco's appearance, his hair espcially, looked really silly.
Oh well, I can't believe my whole Azkaban experience is ruined just like that! We bought the tickets a bit too late and guess what? Only the first-row seats are available. So now, I'm suffering from both the aftermath of a nosebleed and a neck-ache. Haha!
Well, on the whole, it was a good movie, just wasn't up to my expectations. I'm going to watch it again though. I'm pretty sure the second experience will be better, provided that I get a better seat, of course!

Silence is Fatal

2004-06-07T08:52:00.000+08:00

Silence is Fatal

Heart of Crystal

What is Your Heart REALLY Made of?
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Found this memes on Ellyne's blog. Looks fun. Thought I would give it a try.

Your True Nature by llScorpiusll
Username
The quality that most appeals to you:	Intelligence
In a survival situation, you:	Outsmart your attacker
Your hidden talent is:	Seeing the best in others
Your gift is:	An iron constitution
In groups, you:	Feel uncomfortable
Your best quality is:	Your indomitable will
Your weakness is:	Being unforgiving

Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

"Silence would blossom like tumours upon our lips." -Leonard Cohen
Well, noise can pollute, but silence can kill. I don't want to remain silent anymore.

He

2004-06-04T22:56:00.000+08:00

He

He whose enchanting voice resounds deeply in my senses,
He whose charm is divine and unchanged by time,
He who defines the magic and splendour of fantasies,
He who represents the key to my soul,
He who offers a whole new meaning to my world,
He.

The Size of My Rice Bowl

2004-06-03T22:18:00.000+08:00

The Size of My Rice Bowl

With Cindia, I strolled into the 4a classroom with a light-hearted mood that was somehow dampened when I learnt from Collen that Keshia came down with a fever. Poor Keshia! We agreed to watch "The Day After Tomorrow" together!

Oh... BUMMER!

Anyway, I went to watch the digital version of the movie (said to be equipped with clearer and sharper sound effects but I don't find it any different from the ordinary version) with Collen, Qingling and Whitney. We settled our lunch at the food court in Scott's shopping center. I ordered a set of beef noodles, recommended by Qingling, who is so very addicted to it that it becomes her so-called weekly dose. Yeah, the noodles are yummy, with the mouth-watering gravy and the meatball soup! (Drooling now...)

Collen, I really take my hat off to you! To think you searched so frantically for the washroom, walking up, down, left, right... but ended up returning to your seat with your bladder still loaded! We were so amused by you! Well, you continued with your search and managed to find the toilet eventually! That was a major feat, Collen!
And Whitney, I didn't know you have such an insatiable appetite! In fact, I was kind of amazed at the rate you shoved the popcorns into your mouth!

The movie ended at around 3 pm and Whitney and I went to Coffee Bean in Takashimaya for our intensive study programme. Nice ambience there, huh?
But too bad, my productivity and concentration span were not at their maximum then. The dim and faint lightings didn't help much either.
Oh well, I managed to complete 30 chemistry MCQ questions while Whitney finished both her differentiation homework and the chemistry papers, with loads of help from me, of course! Haha!
But I suppose throughout the 3 and half hours, I only indulged in the hot chocolate, the air-con and perhaps, the juicy, spicy conversation that I was engaged in.

At around 6:30pm, I went to get one box of vanilla custard puffs for my mummy. I didn't know they were so expensive- $2 each! Gosh, I'm so terribly broke now.

Anyway, Qingling, Whitney, Collen: Thanks a lot for your company today! =)

"Always bear in mind the size of your rice bowl."
I am really in need of a bigger rice bowl.

Vincent

2004-06-02T17:18:00.000+08:00

Vincent

Starry, starry night
Paint your palette blue and gray
Look out on a summer day
With eyes that know the darkness in my soul

Shadows on the hills
Sketch the trees and daffodils
Catch the breeze and winter chills
In colours on the snowy linen land

Now I understand
What you tried to say to me
How you suffered for your sanity
Though you tried to set them free
They would not listen
They did not know how
Perhaps they'll listen now

Starry, starry night
Potraits hung in empty halls
Frameless heads on nameless walls
With eyes that watch the world
And can't forget like strangers that you've met
Ragged men in ragged clothes
The silver thorn, a bloody rose
Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow

Now I think I know
What you tried to say to me
How you suffered for your sanity
Though you tried to set them free
They would not listen
They're not listening still
Perhaps they never will
For they could not love you
But still, your love was true

And when no hope was left inside
On that starry, starry night
You took your life as lovers often do
I could have told you, Vincent
This world was never meant for one
As beautiful as you

Starry, starry night.

THE BLADDER JOKE

2004-06-01T00:02:00.000+08:00

THE BLADDER JOKE

Good morning, Shuqi! You're up early!

The Chinese papers were fairly manageable. I just feel like I did not give my best though. Oh well, no use crying over spilt potion. (Yes, that's a quote extracted from one of the Harry Potter books!) For the chinese essay, I wrote about SARS. Surprisingly, Sherlynn wrote on that too! Haha! So hopefully, the content, tone and language that we adopted are appropriate... well, at least to the teacher who will mark our essays! (Praying hard...) For Paper 2, I compared my answers with Collen's and thankfully, to my greatest relief, our answers are similar for ALL the questions from 3 sections! YAY!

Gosh, I badly, awfully, desperately need an A1.

I went to watch "The Day After Tomorrow" with Qingling, Evelyn and Sherlynn. THUMBS UP! The images and special effects are truly magnificant, brilliant, stunning... too excellent beyond praise! Yes, that's how fantastic the movie is! However, it's not just the special effects that blew me away. Indeed, the plot, the screenplay and the cast complemented the splendour of the movie itself. A big touch of humanity is added too- what to expect but a teary audience? (I held back my tears!)
Nevertheless, what I'm most impressed with is the realistic yet subtle way in which the movie illustrates the consequences of global warming. For the first time, it really dawned upon my senses that our planet is, in fact, so fragile and vulnerable. To think I studied all these adverse climatic changes in Geography and Biology but never really took them seriously.

Tidal waves flooding Manhattan,
Tornadoes devastating Los Angeles,
Hailstones falling from the skies of Tokyo
The next Ice Age engulfing the whole of Northern Hemisphere...

Oh, by the way, the lead actor looks pretty handsome! His name on the show is Sam Hall and his real name is Jake Gyllenhaal (any idea how to pronnounce it?) What's more, he really bears a close resemblance to Tobey Maguire, the man who acted as Spiderman.

Anyway, check this out:
http://www.thedayaftertomorrowmovie.com

At about 5 plus, I headed to Bishan for my physics tuition. In order to explain the concepts behind some questions regarding liquid pressure, my dear physics tutor, Mr Phang, came up with a pretty interesting analogy:

"With a greater vertical height or depth, the pressure exerted by the liquid increases. Hence, it spurts out from the tank more quickly and forcefully.
Likewise, when the depth decreases, you will expect the speed of the water to decrease and so, it wouldn't surge out over a big distance...
You know, it's just like URINATING. When your bladder is loaded with urine, the urine would eject out at a faster speed and at a greater volume per unit time. When your bladder is almost empty, the urine would just come out in small drips..."

This isn't the main joke yet.

"Okay, I'll demonstrate it for you all now."

I don't know why but some people can amazingly place their words in the wrong context. In this case, Mr Phang actually meant that he would show us the pressure effect he described using a diagram. Well, needless to say, everyone burst into fits of laughter while his face turned tomato-red. We were all laughing so loudly that we sounded like hyenas! When others had more or less subdued their laughter and continued with their work, I was still guffawing and chortling to myself!

This is the MOST hilarious thing that was ever issued from a professor's mouth. OH MY GOSH!
Good one, Mr Phang! You really made my day this time around!

From The Bottom of My Heart

2004-05-26T15:56:00.000+08:00

From The Bottom of My Heart

Chinese tuition can be boring, but not with Weishan, Gabriella, See Weng, Valery and Kerri-ann around! Yesterday, when Weishan entered the office and asked a teacher for the key to the washroom, that teacher asked her in Mandarin, "Male toilet or female toilet?"

Yes, this became the joke of the day and we were all chuckling and chortling so loudly! So Weishan, I think you need to do something about your feminity.

To Hilda:
Judging from the fact that your last blog entry was created on 13 April, I doubt you would get to read this.
Anyway, I just want to thank you for lending me a listening ear whenever I am in need of someone to confide in. There is no greater favour that you can do for me. Indeed, you are the one who listen without judging, without interrupting, without being distracted. Also, your contagious laughter never fails to keep my spirits up. =)
Well, thanks for helping me safeguard the secret. I have no regrets entrusting it to you.
You know what I'm referring to. =P Yes, you teased me about it occasionally and I do feel flattered about the whole thing. Yeah, I admit it.

Well, you are one of the most sincere and genuine people I've ever come across. Unlike others, you are not afriad to show your vulnerability, your weaknesses, who you really are. For that, I applaud you. Honestly, you are truly as beautiful on the outside as you are on the inside.

To Keshia:

Hey! Thanks for being there for me! I know I can depend on you to make my day!

Like you, I'm pretty much concerned about my personal growth and how I fit into the greater schemes of things and situations around me. At times, the sense of uncertainty and indistinctness regarding my future washes over me, makes me feel so lost and dejected. But I grow to understand that these strong emotions are normal and we sometimes ought to sit back and let nature takes its own course. Not that we have no control over our own lives but there is a basic need to accept things the way they are.

Well, at this stage of our lives, we will begin questioning our purpose in life, we will try to forge our own identity and define our objectives and vision. In the process of doing so, we may feel confused and even helpless, as we deem the path ahead of us grim, bleak and unpromising.

But don't be crestfallen and disheartened! I suppose when you stretch yourself and grow, when you extend your boundaries and expend your talent, when you leave your comfort zone and venture into the unknown, you will eventually find all the answers that you need.

Yes, I know how taxing and strenuous it can get when you're trying to keep up with the changes around you. Everything may seem accelerated, every emotion accentuated. It is natural to feel swept away by all those rapid developments around us, such that we tend to be overwhelmed and lose focus on our priorities in life. Nevertheless, I guess change is the only constant thing in life. It simply puts our beliefs, principals and goals to test.

The only antidote, I suppose, is to adopt a positive mindset towards everything and remain true to yourself. It's also good that you can rely on your faith to sustain you through the unhappy times.

Don't worry, you will soon be able to put things in a perspective that you can deal with!

To Whitney:

Live and let live! What a cliche, but it really holds true in what you're experiencing now.

I'm glad to learn that you've almost come to terms with it. Just like junk mail, you ultimately have to get rid of it before it chokes and suffocates your mailbox. It is time to press DELETE.
Like I mentioned before, it is not worth carrying the excess emotional baggage and clinging on to what had been or what could have been. Why live in the yesterday when there is today and tomorrow to take care of? Life is too short.

Believe me, you're a very talented person. That is much potential within you that you have yet to fufill. So again, are you directing your emotions at the real source of your dissatisfaction and resentment? Don't let these emotions get the better of you, alright? Don't let them blind you from the opportunities that await.

Well, feel free to approach me if you need a listening ear!=)

To Caroline:

It's a real pity that I never tried to get to know you better last year. Frankly, I'm happy that our friendship is growing, but rather sad that this is our last year together.
Yesterday, you did your CME test haphazardly within 20 minutes and rushed up to meet me, simply to help me distribute the application forms to all classes. Thank you! I really appreciate it! Thank you for being there! Oh, I will always remember the frequent trips that we made to the errmm... toilet together! Yes, I'm looking forward to another trip! Haha! And not forgetting the lame jokes and riddles we shared. Hmmmm...

To my Mummy:

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the times when I screamed and hurled caustic words at you. I'm really sorry. I've realised that I have been taking your caregiving for granted all this while. Thank you for all that you have done for me, for this family.

Throughout these years, your relationship with Daddy has been on the rocks.
I recall vividly, 2 years ago, both of you had an extremely vehement argument that you ended up crying for days and even contemplated divorce. Indeed, that was a difficult stage for both of you. I tried to do something to salvage your marriage but my efforts ended in vain somehow. Well, you did not seperate from him after all, though you had the reason to. I guess you compromised your happiness for our sake, you knew you cannot forgo the sense of duty and responsibility you have towards this family.

You are a strong fortress. Without you, the entire family will fall apart. Thank you.

A Veneer it had been.

2004-05-22T23:32:00.000+08:00

A Veneer It Had Been

Your mask is your shield.
Hypocrisy is your weapon.
Vulnerability is your foe.

I am trying so hard to overlook your deceit and duplicity. Hopefully, I have been doing a fantastic job.
I'm utterly surprised, astonished by the fact that I'm supposed to take umbrage at your veneer but ended up absorbing it. Well, that's me. I always try to avoid confrontations and arguments but sometimes, at the expense of being a sitting duck. Maybe, for once, I should bring out the aggressive side of me.

A Girl's and Cow's First Time

2004-05-21T19:07:00.000+08:00

Part 1: A Girl's First Time

It is your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he is persistent, he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you are afraid and you shake your head bravely.

He is very experienced in this, and as his finger has found the right place, he probes deeply.

You shiver. Your body tenses although he is gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply into your eyes and tells you to trust him. "Hey girl, relax! I've done this a million times before!"

His winsome smile relaxes your senses and gradually, you open wider and wider to give him more room for an easy entrance.

You become impatient. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry.

However, he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way.

"OUCH!"

Pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you, concerned, and asks you if it is too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod, signalling for him to go on.

He begins going in and out with much skill and dexterity but you are now too numb to feel anything.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and as he pulls it out, you lie panting, relieved to have it over.

He looks at you and smiles warmly. Chuckling, he tells you that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your DENTIST. After all, it was your first time to have a TOOTH pulled out.

Naughty, Naughty!

What were you thinking?

Well, I received this in the form of an email from Jeanne! Surprised that I would put up something like that? Well, so you learnt a lesson: Always expect the unexpected. Always suspect the innocent... =)

Part 2: My First Time

The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone we were
Just her and I

Her hair so soft
Her eyes so blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do

Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine

I did not know how
But I tried my best
To place my hand
On her breasts

I remember my fear
My heart beating fast
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart

And when she did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came

At last it is finished
It is all over now
It is my first time
Milking a COW!

To all those dirty-minded perverts and sickos reading this:
You've got what you want. Happy? This will be the last time you'll read an entry like this. I'm not going to subject my morals to corruption and degradation anymore... =P

THE BEAST, THE HERMIT CRAB, THE CLOUD, THE AIRPLANE, THE RACE AND THE FINISHING LINE

2004-05-20T22:24:00.000+08:00

THE BEAST, THE HERMIT CRAB, THE CLOUD, THE AIRPLANE, THE RACE AND THE FINISHING LINE

"When the stupid sissy announced the top 3 (students who scored the top 3 marks for e. maths paper 1), you must have suffered a stab!"

Hilda, thanks a lot for your message yesterday! Thanks for your solace, and for reminding me that indulging in self-pity at this stage is a painful sin committed against myself. Actually, what makes you think I had suffered a stab? It really isn't as bad as you think. Well, maybe just a small, superficial scratch...

Yesterday, Mrs Kong gave a really inspiring speech in the auditorium. She gave us all a serious reality check. Every now and then, my face had been bombarded by baseballs from all directions, but this time around, I'm certain, the baseball that strikes my face has made the hardest, strongest, the most overwhelming impact. Thank you, Mrs Kong! Even though I suffered from some bruises, it's definitely worth it... haha!

I have to admit this, I'm a person who usually suppresses her emotions. Gloom, depression, fury, wrath are the strongest emotions I've ever felt. Sometimes I really wish I could just act upon my impulses, unleashing all the pent-up frustrations. But sadly, there isn't any outlet for me to do so. Slowly, gradually, the restrained emotions dissolve away. Soon, void and emptiness take over.
The beast is confined within a cage and everyday it screams, howls, shrieks and bellows, wanting, longing and yearning for the taste of freedom. No one listens to the beast though, no one empathises with it; its existence neglected and forgotten. Soon, it becomes tired. It stops fighting for its freedom. It no longer recognises the justice that it deserves. It remains locked up in the cage, for good. Silence, stillness devouring its senses, loneliness and seclusion decaying its mind and soul...

STOP! I'm getting too melodramatic! Okay, I'll close the door to my imagined world temporarily and bounce back into reality. Basically, I've been doing lots of reflection these days. My mind is now flooded with so many thoughts I think I need to put them in words so that I get a clearer picture of everything. First, people around me, especially the teachers, are taking for granted that I would definitely score the highest for almost all subjects. So when I don't, most seem to receive the shock of their lives. It can be extremely annoying, the way people make assumptions about me, my grades, my life. Well, undeniably, it's part of human nature to stereotype, to make judgments based on the mere exterior. I'm pretty attuned to it though, in fact, come to think of it, it's not worth getting so upset and exasperated by all this after all.

This year, my grades have been dropping. Since the beginning of the year, I haven't been aiming for and achieving consistency in my academics. Yes, something that used to be part of me is missing: the drive, the desire, the motivation to seek for excellence in whatever I do. My interest for certain subjects like Maths (A and E) and Biology have somewhat been smothered, stifled by the pressure that mounts. I suppose for the past 3 years, I had exerted myself too hard, I had pushed myself beyond my limits and it finally reaches a stage whereby I became too drained out, too fatigued, mentally and physically. The stamina and the fervour that used to be within me had evaporated into the air, gone with the wind.

I started to treat my schoolwork much less seriously than before. Well, I wanted a happier, a more fulfilling social life, and so, perhaps at the expense of my academics, I subconsciously became more outgoing and extroverted. Yes, I began to speak to people whom I didn't really talked to in the past. It really became a so-called turning point in my life whereby I realised that academics isn't everything and that your friends and family are the ones who really make your day, the ones who truly make a difference to your life. So what if you're the top student, scoring quality A1s for all subjects, but at the expense of fun, entertainment, the pursuit of your interests and hobbies and most importantly... friendship? Likewise, so what if you achieved your goal to become a doctor, only to discover that you'd neglected your health so badly that you could no longer continue working?
I have to admit, winning and being a cut above the rest gave me a tremendous sense of satisfaction at the beginning. I loved and even craved for the feeling of it. The sense of competitiveness that ensued became another form of stimulus for me to work towards my goals. But, nevertheless, this year, it started to dawn upon me that this feeling of satisfaction is short-lived, fleeting and meaningless. Citing an example, 2 years back, when Mr Eric Chua read out my overall percentage and my class position:

"81.8! You're first in the whole standard! Well done, Shuqi!"

I simply absorbed his words and gave a small nod.

"Hey, you're first! Aren't you happy?"

Under normal circumstances, if anyone were me, his or her face would certainly beam with thrill and elation or something. But at that point of time, I felt no sense of pride, no happiness, no excitement, no glee. Instead, I felt hollow and empty. I could not even force a smile to appear on my face. I think it was partially due to the fact that I was more or less accustomed to getting such results, and also, winning had become nothing but a routine, a habit, a practice.

I guess it's rather evident to the teachers and my classmates that my grades had been plummeting since the start of this year. Well, I really have no regrets about it. At least, I'm not a hermit crab now. I've learnt to crawl out of my shell and develop a broader perspective of everything around me. However, I turned into a cloud, drifting away aimlessly in the midst of other clouds, with no keen sense of direction to guide me through the sky. Back to Mrs Kong's talk, here's how I make the connection. I'm beginning to make new resolutions, new commitments that I must definitely honour. Nope, I won't crawl back into the shell again. Never! I just want to be an airplane, knowing my purpose and direction, with a destination in mind, a destination to make me soar through the thunderstorm, the cyclone, the blizzard, the hurricane.

"Commitment is the capacity for setting goals and achieving them. Making a commitment is like exercising a muscle. It has to be worked and tested and strengthened over time. It can be enlarged only though exercising your power to make commitments and fulfilling them. When you do, you will create a positive energy that will help you continue to keep your other commitments in the future. This will propel you to greater dreams and achievements."-Teens can Make it Happen, Stedman Graham

I will not work hard simply to live up to others' expectations and image of me. I want to do it for myself, for my future. I know I have the capability but I'm simply not fulfilling my potential to the fullest. I could do it for the past 3 years. So why can't I do it this year? I need to harness the latent pool of energy that's locked within my world of procrastination and idleness. I need to find the key to that world, and once I find the key, I'll banish this world!
I CAN do it, I WILL do it, I MUST do it. You know, it's just like running along the track in the stadium. I've completed three-quarters of it, there's still the remaining 100m I have yet to finish. No matter what, I have to complete the race. Leaving things unsettled will mean letting myself down! Well, working hard and achieving good results have certainly become an obligation and a burden overtime when the stress builds up on my shoulders and weighs me down, down, down... But from today onwards, I will definitely transform it into a strong desire, a positive thrust that drives me to reach the finishing line.

To anyone from 4A reading this:

Take this mid-years as a trial, a rude awakening. Your results may be not be up to your expectations but this isn't the end yet! After you're done with your weeping, wallowing in self-pity and depression, banging your head against the wall a million times, get set to work! You have to hold onto your life jackets and life buoys! Never let go! We'll work together towards the common goal: 'O's! We'll sprint towards the finishing line together! WE'LL PEAK AT THE RIGHT TIME! Cheers!

What a day!

2004-05-18T23:24:00.000+08:00

What a day!

First and foremost, I will not type about what happened at Heerens today. Do not even think of inquiring the details. Well, it definitely shed some light on my sheer stupidity and gullibility though.

After the biology paper, Keshia and I met up with Mr Francis to finalise our plans for the-much-coveted-Talentquest will be officially launched next week and the application forms will be available soon! In fact, I had to admit that there was a great deal of delays and procrastination regarding this event. I don't know why, maybe it's inefficiency and ineffectiveness on our part. Well, but the final say still lies upon Mr Francis so that means we can only act upon his instructions. Sometimes, I really get so exasperated when he holds us up, for instance, I gave him the soft copy of a sample of the application form in mid-April and he only started printing the forms this week! What's more, the PowerPoint slides were supposed to be shown on the EMS last week! I know he's busy, he's got a tight schedule and other things that he has to see to, but at most he ought to delegate the tasks to us much earlier, so that everything wouldn't be so last-minute!

Finally, why was it so big an eye-opener for all those who saw me at Orchard this afternoon? To Xiu Tian and clique, Surong and clique, etc, etc : Thanks for all the attention you'd embrace me with! I'm so very flattered!=)
I was strolling past KFC and there was this girl from our school who wore a shocked expression on her face and instantly hid beneath the table when she saw me approaching. Hmmm... what's all this about?

I asked for it.

2004-05-18T22:12:00.000+08:00

I asked for it.

"You asked for it. This is the painful price you have to pay for your monopolisation! You brought it upon yourself!"

Thanks for the acute comments, Kerri! What you say always hits the nail on the head, you can almost read into my psychology! Frankly, I'm not bitter about the "sarcasm" behind those words. You were just being yourself: jokey, sharp-witted, humorous and CUNNING!=) (No offence taken here, Kerri!) In fact, what you mentioned neither served as a sudden realisation nor a rude awakening. I am already aware of it more clearly and deeply than anyone else.

That's reality, it smashes you so hard, like a baseball that rockets through the air at a great speed and bombards the centre of your face, leaving you too shocked to feel the impact of the spectacular collision. There isn't any room for empathy, at most a negligibly small touch of sympathy that can never counter my apparent apathy. For now, I only need to answer to myself. Easier said than done, of course.

Trip to Seoul [Last Day- 15 December 2002, Sunday]

2004-05-18T22:05:00.000+08:00

Trip to Seoul [Last Day- 15 December 2002, Sunday]

It was the last day of the tour (time passes really fast). After breakfast at the hotel, we took photographs with the "crew"- the bus driver, the photographer and Ellen. Soon we reached Incheon Airport for our morning flight back to Singapore. We saw Thomas without his thick winter coat and he looked extremely comical, like a bloated penguin with his protruding beer belly. Finally, we had to say "goodbye" and "farewell" to our tour guides and Seoul.
It was a very sad moment, I had been enjoying myself so thoroughly that I did not seem to realise that I would soon have to leave this place. No place, like Seoul, had ever left such an unforgettable impression on me. Anyway, if I have the chance in the future, I would definitely visit Seoul again, the unique city that will remain in my reminiscences for good.

Trip to Seoul [Day 4- 14 December 2002, Saturday]

2004-05-18T22:03:00.000+08:00

Trip to Seoul [Day 4- 14 December, Saturday]

It was another 5 hours from Mount Sorak back to the city. On the bus, Ellen told us the bad news: Due to time constraints, we could only go shopping or visit the World Cup Stadium. There was to be a vote among the members of the tour group. To our surprise and a little bit of anger, most of the votes cast was: shopping. Still, it was already decided and we would have to join Bus B (this group chose the stadium).
Jialin, a football fan, had to mark the length of her foot on a piece of paper as her mother was going to shop for both their shoes later. Finally, we reached a ginseng center in Seoul. The salesperson introduced their "wondrous" ginseng to us. We did not buy any since it was expensive and unnecessary. Anyway, after lunch, we visited a shop selling crystal jewellery. Crystal might be thought of as "cheap and impure" but some crystals, especially the darker ones, are actually worth as much as diamond. Again, we did not buy anything but just looked around and admired the things on display. Well, after all these, we (me, Shuhan, Jialin and my aunt) boarded Bus B and headed for the World Cup Stadium.

The World Cup Stadium, Nikki told us, began to be constructed quite a few years before World Cup 2002 and it was especially built to impress the organizers of the spectacular event. At the entrance, we saw life-sized, standing photographs of the players of the Korean national football team. I was suddenly reminded of the sportsmanship the Korean players displayed during the semi-finals of the tournament and the state of frenzy circling the whole event. We toured the interior of the stadium but could not go down to the field, as there was a layer of ice covering it. After buying some souvenirs, we returned to the bus and headed for Lotte World.

If not for a major traffic jam (we were delayed for 1 hour), we would have reached Lotte World, an internationally famous indoor theme park which houses a lake park, shopping mall, ice rink and folk museum. Anyway, it consists of 2 major attractions: Magic Island and Adventure, both of which offer fun rides, parades, visual shows and performances. We went to Adventure, the indoor amusement park, first; it was so crowded when we arrived there. Since it was the Christmas season, the place was decorated with colourful lightings and designs. But compared to Everland, it still lacked a somewhat "leisurely" atmosphere.

Immediately, we proceeded to take the rides with our tickets. First, we took the roller coaster "French Revolution". Nerve-wrecking, earth-shattering, this ride could cause us heart attacks! NO KIDDING! It was very very very very fast and just when I thought there was time to breathe after the almost vertical drop-down, an unexpected double loop turned up next, wrecking my senses as I fought to cope with the tremendously swift speed of the coaster. After that, Shuhan asked my aunt if we could ride the 6-storey "Bungee-Drop". To our disappointment, she said "NO! No means no!" and Shuhan began protesting fiercely, almost flaring her temper and on the verge of tears. She said to me later, "Can't she stop being a wet blanket? I can't stand that control freak!"

Anyway, we went for the PIRATE SHIP next. It was not scary, just enjoyable, especially when we were lifted so high into the air that we actually felt weightless. For "Sinbad", we sat on a water boat that led us into a dark tunnel. With "frightening" visual and sound effects, pirates, sea monsters, skeletons, dragons greeted us. Jialin, for no reason, got so spooked out that she buried her head in our arms throughout the whole ride. Due to time constraints, we returned to the bus with one valuable ticket unused. What a waste! It's a pity we didn't get to visit Magic Island!

Back in our own Bus A, we went for out last dinner in Seoul and then, headed for a confectionery shop. While we were on our way, Ellen and Thomas (a Singaporean tour guide attached to the agency and who had followed us throughout the trip) collected their tips from us. Meanwhile, the photographer went around selling the photographs he took for everyone. Everyone was in high spirits and suddenly, the bus lights became coloured and flashed randomly, like a disco's. A Korean song was playing and Ellen danced exaggeratedly to the music, pulling up 2 young tourists, who danced horribly. Finally, we reached the confectionery shop where everyone spent the last portion of their money on tidbits and snacks. We returned to the hotel very late that night.

Trip to Seoul [Day 3- 13 December 2002, Friday]

2004-05-18T21:54:00.000+08:00

Trip to Seoul [Day 3- 13 December 2002, Friday]

That morning, after breakfast, we went outside to take some snapshots in front of the splendid snowy landscape. It was rather frosty (-14 degree Celsius) and windy, so we instantly hurried back to the warm hotel lobby while waiting for the rest of the tour group to assemble. Jialin came along and while chatting, I realised that it was Friday the 13th. We said,"Hopefully, nothing will go wrong." We were proven wrong, though (to be revealed).

Ellen had this amazing thing about her. She really knew how to amuse and entertain the tourists and really connect to them. Her laughter is really contagious too! Well, we traveled along the rugged, mountainous roads to the ski center and on the way, she told us a pretty humorous anecdote: In Korea, when people went for spa, they have to strip naked. She once led a Singaporean tour group to a spa center without telling them beforehand about the "naked-ness" stuff. When those tourists found out about this, they were so shocked and after removing their clothes, they tried all means to cover their bodies, by using things like washbasins and towels. Everyone in the room was staring at them but they were just too self-conscious to bare their bodies. To think Koreans are so traditional, they actually do such "liberal" things!

Soon, we arrived at the ski-clothes rental place. The people there distributed random ski outfits after assessing our sizes. All the people of the same sex had to change in the same room. Indeed, it was very awkward and embarrassing! After lunch, we proceeded to the ski gear rental place and got the necessary stuff: boots, stumpers, slides. The equipment was quite heavy and bulky and we had to walk with our heels touching the ground first instead of the toes. Everyone gathered at a spot for a brief lesson on basic skiing. We learnt skills such as how to start and halt our motion down the snowy slope. We also learnt how to "fall" the right way: hips touching the ground first, so as to avoid any injuries. Everyone began to ski down the gentle slopes. It was fun for many though most of us fell down quite frequently.
After an hour or so, skiing at the gentle slopes had become boring and since the others were already trying out the higher slopes, we suggested to our aunt that we could perhaps do that as well. Unfortunately, to our utmost bewilderment and dismay, our aunt declared "NO!" Why not? "It's very dangerous and you may fall and break your arms and legs. How am I supposed to answer to your mother if this happens?" (That's the worst thing that can happen on Friday the 13th, right?) We were very exasperated, because even if the slopes were higher, they were actually still quite safe since there were no obstacles in the way. However, we could not make her see reason and I was feeling my happy mood being washed away. Our fun is spoilt, ruined, destroyed, by her!
Even though she had the duty of ensuring our safety and well-being throughout the whole trip, I felt that she was being quite insensitive as Jialin and her mother were around too. They would have gone ahead to ski from there but I guess they were tactful enough to respect our aunt's decision. Luckily, Ellen came along in the "nick of time" and convinced our aunt to let us ski from halfway up the higher slopes. She even went up to help us out and like we predicted, nothing went wrong!

Exhausted, we changed back to our own clothes and set off to a restaurant for dinner. After dinner, we took some photographs because we were heading back to the city on the next day.

Trip to Seoul [Day 2- 12 December 2002, Thursday]

2004-05-18T21:52:00.000+08:00

Trip to Seoul [Day 2- 12 December 2002, Thursday]

On our way to a Chinese restaurant for breakfast, Ellen told us how much the Chinese immigrants were discriminated in Korea during the past (i.e. they were not allowed to possess any land or start their own businesses). And that explained why the restaurant we were heading to was the only Chinese restaurant in the whole of Seoul. It was a fairly appetizing breakfast. But the soya bean dessert was kind of bland that Jialin's mother poured in so much sugar she could have had diabetes!

After breakfast, we traveled to Everland, a spacious outdoor theme park located at the mountainous regions, beautifully decorated for the Christmas season. We arrived at the cable car stand, stood on a "designated spot", waiting for the roofless cable car to arrive from behind. And once Ellen commanded us to "SIT!" we sat and off we went to the other end of the theme park. The first thing we saw was a man-made, cascading waterfall and a few animals kept in a miniature enclosure. Next, our tour group boarded a guided coach. The zookeeper acted as the coach-driver and led us into a huge enclosure where the wild animals were allowed to roam freely. The sunbears really kept us entertained by performing tricks they were taught to do, and immediately after the zookeeper tossed out bits of food, they stroke an adorable pose and "danced" on the spot.

It was Snowbuster time! Sitting on inflated floats, my sister and I slided all the way down a snowy slope. However, the bad or funny thing is, many of our floats somehow diverted from the straight path and went off-course. My third try was the most successful one, as I slided all the way down smoothly in one direction, maybe because I took the middle path, which was rather even. After that, we went for a short lunch and since we were not exactly famished, we bought some snacks and walked around the place, taking some photographs along the way. The staff members, dressed in Christmas outfits smiled and waved amicably at us. In fact, I was kind of awed and envious of the chiseled features of Koreans, male and female. Most that I had come across really had smooth and healthy complexion. It all attributes to genetics, I think.

Soon, we rode to the other end of the theme park, only to realise we could have walked up and saved a ride. When we saw the 360 degrees loop, we immediately rushed to it with Jialin. To add to our fright, we were freezing and our teeth were actually chattering. To alleviate our fear, we sat in the middle while others fought to sit at the ends instead. Still, it was quite thrilling since I felt like I was going to slip through the safety clamp and fall to my death. All three of us were screaming and we could hear those sitting at the ends laughing at us (for being "scaredy-cats"). Next, we took the pirate ship but it was not that exciting, though I could feel my stomach lurch when it reaches the peak. The suspended roller coaster was a little scary but after the previous rides, we were attuned to it!

Always negligent, Shuhan actually lost one of the woolen gloves bought only the day before and that got me scolding her non-stop. After everyone boarded the bus, we set off on the 5-hour ride to Mount Sorak. Along the highways that stretched between the mountains, we saw thick piles of sparkling snow. It was the first time I had seen so much snow, lying by the roads, coating the roofs of miniature houses and capping the peak of rock mountains, with slopes dotted by clusters of evergreen conifers. And the most interesting thing took place (to me, at least): Sometimes, in the morning, we spot water droplets on the outside surface of the windscreens of vehicles, right?
But guess what? Condensation took place on the inner surface of the coach's windscreens, since the temperature inside the coach is much higher than that of the atmosphere out there. It took me a while to figure that out! Stupid me! And ice was formed, not water! Direct condensation of vapour to ice! I don't know why but I was so thrilled as my Shuhan and I scrapped off the thin layer of ice using our fingernails!

For dinner, we stopped at a restaurant where we had barbeque pork. We had to remove our shoes before entering and when we sat down, we placed our legs into a pit dug into the floor. The food really warmed us up and after that, we continued our journey and finally reached a hotel where we would be staying for the night.

Trip to Seoul [Day 1- 11 December 2002, Wednesday]

2004-05-18T21:49:00.002+08:00

Trip to Seoul [Day 1- 11 December 2002, Wednesday]

The following is a journal of my trip to Seoul in December 2002. My sister is the so-called co-writer of this lengthy travelouge. It was a really memorable trip, though it lasted for only 5 days. (Taman Negara is nothing compared to it! Really!) When we returned to Singapore, we channelled our feelings of nostalgia and reminiscence into words, recapturing the sights we witnessed and the emotions we experienced there. Well, we even spent 1 week creating and decorating a photo album cum scrapbook thing. It's really a valuable keepsake...

As the plane touched down on the runway, I felt an overwhelming surge of thrill and anticipation. We- my sister, Shuhan, my aunt, and me- had arrived at Incheon Airport. For weeks before the school holidays, we had been debating whether to head for Melbourne in Australia or Seoul in South Korea for our end-of-year vacation. Well, Seoul emerged as the ultimate choice; maybe it has more to offer pleasure-seeking Singaporeans like us: shopping, winter skiing and sightseeing. Though it was 5 AM (Seoul time, which was 1 hour ahead of Singapore time, that was why I did not feel any transition in my biological clock), the airport was already buzzing with activity. The male officer at the check-in counter resembled a Hong Kong celebrity who frequently made his appearance on Hong Kong drama serials and movies. He seemed extremely lethargic and weary (probably because he was not used to the morning shift) and was rather sloppy in typing our particulars. My sister and I were kind of afraid he would type our B.C. number wrongly.

After having a heavy breakfast (consisting of spicy-sweet tom-yam noodles and hot coco), we felt rejuvenated and more anxious and excited than before. We assembled at Gate 14, the waiting area, and being curious about the wintry weather out there (It was -7 degree Celsius!), we went out to "experience" it. When we returned shortly, my aunt reproached both of us for being "so irresponsible as to neglect our luggage and wander around without asking for permission" (That's how uptight my aunt can get!). When we boarded the coach, our Korean tour guide introduced herself as Ellen. She was a Chinese, big-boned, energetic and radiant-looking, and trendily dressed in a long leather cardigan over a nylon blouse and pants, (that was why I was so shocked when I discovered later that she was in her early forties), and from the way she spoke, our initial impression of her was that she was loud, blunt and assertive.

On the bus, Ellen cracked a few jokes with the tour group (her sense of humour was admirable) and taught us a few Korean terms that would come in handy later. After traveling for 2 hours along the highway, we finally reached Seoul, the capital of South Korea, and arrived at the National Folklore Museum. Strangely, our tour group (Bus A) got confused between Ellen and her sister, Nikki, who was leading the other tour group (Bus B). They look uncannily alike at first sight, exactly like two peas in a pod. But soon the whole mess was cleared up. Ellen continued leading us around the museum, which displayed the folk culture, patterns of life and working conditions of traditional and rural Koreans through all kinds of fascinating epitomes and archetypes. Actually, we were too preoccupied with warming our hands that we did not pay close attention to Ellen's words. We still heard some of the more interesting facts though, such as the existence of gender discrimination in the past. For example, if a man encounters a woman on New Year's Day, he would be jinxed and ill fated for the rest of the year (UTTERLY ABSURB!). Also, before a marriage, the bride's parents have to give ALL their possessions as dowry (SO UNFAIR!).

After visiting the museum, we went, via cable cars, to a hill on which the renowned, majestic Seoul Tower stood. There, the entire view of Seoul could be overlooked. We took a couple of photographs, reveling in the beautiful nature and scenery around us. There were thick layers of frost on the ground and we slipped quite a few times. Due to the cold, we returned to the bus earlier with my sister's classmate, Jialin, and her mother (they also went for the tour). As I looked out of the windowpane, a pale-blue sky and bare deciduous trees greeted my sight. It was all a picturesque scene together. In Seoul, everything simply blended so perfectly, especially in winter.

We ate a buffet-style lunch and that was the first time we saw Ellen and Nikki smoke, outside the eating-house (I felt rather displeased because our impression of Ellen had just become better). Anyway, our bus drove us to the shopping central of Seoul. Our whole entourage searched for the fashionable Myong-Dong street (to me, the undisputed holy shrine of the God of Materialism). There were movie theatres, clothing boutiques, designer shoe shops and cosmetics stores everywhere. Prices tend to be higher than those in other nearby shopping districts like Itewon, Namdeamun and Tongdeamun. Due to the fact that were would be traveling to Mount Sorak the next day, plus Singaporeans' kiasu-ism mentality, many of us bought loads of pullovers, windbreakers and long-sleeved turtlenecks. We were so cold (the temperature fell to minus 10 dregree Celsius!) that our noses started to dribble. Yes, it was disgusting... and I wiped mine off using my gloves... haha!

After getting cups of hot chocolate (the straws were flat so people could sip the hot beverage without scalding their tongues), we called home using a phonecard our aunt bought even though we were not homesick at all. We then returned to the meeting place before the rest of the tour group turned up. To end the first day, we had ginseng chicken, a delicious Korean specialty as dinner.